POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• I never metamorphosis I didn't like.
• Seems as if everything in baseball is sponsored these days:  "Here's the Brewers starting lineup, brought to you by Milwaukee-area Chevy dealers." . . .  "Let's set the Brewers Pepsi defense for you." . . . . "This pitching change is brought to you by . . . ."
• (What's next?   "This between-innings Announcer Bathroom Visit is brought to you by Quilted Northern, the official bathroom tissue of the Milwaukee Brewers . . . .")
• Speaking of the Brewers, it seems like the bratwurst has dominated the races thus far this season at Miller Park, but keep in mind--there's a lot of sausage yet to be played!
• Memo to medical/dental receptionists: We don't need to be told "You can have a seat in the waiting room" after we've announced our presence.  I think we know to do that!  What else are we going to do?  Glare down at you until our name is called?  Stand on our heads in the parking lot?  Nap in the basement next to the water heater?  We know what those chairs are there for, so save your breath and stop insulting our intelligence! 
• Bacon is the asbestos of the food world.
• It was bad enough when decades of free air at the gas station came to an end with the advent of air vending machines.  But what shocked us at 25 and 50 cents has reached the usurious height of $1!
• (And it's not the "Arab air cartel," as I once jocularly exclaimed, that's to blame; it's simply the greed of U.S. oil companies.  Rarefied air, indeed!)
• It's always irritating to read that someone caught up in a scandal has been "suspended with pay."  
• "I was right 70 percent of the time, but I was wrong 30 percent of the time,” said Alan Greenspan as he testified recently on Capitol Hill. 
• (Sweet Baby Jesus, meek and mild! I'm no financial oracle, as the former Fed chairman has often been called, but 70 percent isn't far from coin-flip territory--and anyone of us can do that! No wonder the economy is in the toilet!)
• Overheard:  "Real women don't have hot flashes--they have power surges!"
• I've started writing my first screenplay.  Working title:  "Harold and Kumar seduce Rosie O'Donnell."
• (It's a comedy.)
• If we can put the entire Library of Congress into a handful of computer chips the size of a dime, why does a fish-oil capsule have to be the size of a small dog?
• New product spotted on store shelves:  Multi-grain Pringles.  What's next--Organic Twinkies?
• Did you know that papiamento is the official language of Curacao?  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Signed your organ-donor card yet? (I'm not only an organ donor . . . but a piano donor as well!  In the event of my demise, the battered upright in the basement goes directly to a deserving charity.)
• Sign in beauty salon: "We are beauticians, not magicians!"
• False economy at its best (or worst):  Firms that switch to the thinnest possible paper towels in their washrooms.  Don’t they realize we’re just going to use three or four sheets instead of one or two?  Instead of achieving economy they just created ill will--and a bigger mess on the floor.
• Today's Latin lesson: Quisquis no vestri navis. ("Whatever floats your boat.")
• The Columbia Journalism Review's Correction of the Week:  “An earlier edition of this story incorrectly stated that ACORN advisers posed as a prostitute and a pimp. In fact, two conservatives who posed as a pimp and a prostitute sought tax tips from ACORN advisers.” – The Washington Post