POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• Today's Latin lesson:  "Did vos animadverto Tripudio Per Astrum permaneo nox noctis?" ("Did you see Dancing With the Stars last night?")
• Do people still "tie a string around their finger" to help them remember something?  Has anyone ever done that?
• Book Title of the Week (spotted in Green Bay pet store):  "Dachshunds for Dummies."
• "What a nice day" some folks said to me recently when it reached 70.  My reply:  "Not really."  (The wind, you see, was blowing at about 35 mph!)
• Weather, to me, is like a pizza.  You wouldn't eat raw pizza dough; so why does one factor--a balmy temperature--automatically make it "a nice day"?  If you have a nice temperature (the dough) along with a gentle breeze, low humidity, bearable barometric pressure and decent air quality (the cheese, the sauce, the toppings, if you will), then you have a nice day.  But damp air, high winds and an ozone alert can make for a dismal day--whatever the temperature.
• "I lost my job. Actually, I didn't lose it; I know exactly where it is.  It's just that when I go there, someone else is doing it!"--Bobcat Goldthwait
• Thanks, Bobcat.  Which prompts me to ask: Has anyone unlucky enough to be relieved of his or her job ever gotten the proverbial "pink slip"?  (Maybe now it's a pink e-mail.)
• Redundancy patrol:  "At this point in time," "enter into," "inner core."
• When did waitresses scarcely out of their teens (or still in them) decide it was OK to address male-female couples two generations older as "you guys"?  Guys, plural?  There is generally just one guy at my table--and I let the offender know it in no uncertain terms.
• Whatever happened to Yakov Smirnoff?
• I understand Walloon was a Romance language spoken in a region of Belgium.  Unfortunately for me, the bookstore was out of English to Walloon/Walloon to English dictionaries.
• (According to Wikipedia: Most younger people (those born since the 1970s) know little more than a few idiomatic Walloon expressions, mostly profanities!)
• You're an old-timer if you remember Powerhouse candy bars, S&H Green Stamps and Clark's Teaberry Gum.
• Jim's War on Jargon:  What does "uptick" say that "rise" or "increase" doesn't?  Believe it or not, I've even seen "downtick" in news stories!  (And I'm not too wild about "ramp up," either!)
• I hate it when restaurants give you a buzzer that tells you when your order is ready.  Last time, before we got our food, a nearby garage door went up and down for 10 minutes!
• Overheard:  “I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.”
• Woody Allen and Albert Brooks should go back to what they did best—standup comedy.  You never saw Laurence Olivier doing open-mike night at the Laff Factory!
• Closed Caption Gaffe of the Week, courtesy of CNN:  “New Finland” (instead of Newfoundland).
• Why do auctioneers have to talk that fast?  That's one reason I don’t go to auctions.  I can’t hear that fast.
• As always, please remember--I don't always agree with everything I say!