POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life: 

• Somebody asked me, "Who do you like in the Derby this year?"  I said:  "A horse! We humans have made great strides over the years, but not that many!"
• News item:  Hugh Hefner donates $900,000 to save the Hollywood sign. 
• Comment:  What a relief to know that all hunger and deprivation in California has been alleviated and the state's budget crisis has been solved. Why else would the Playboy founder use his resources so frivolously?
• You've heard it hundreds of times in Sturgeon Bay:  "Everybody knows everybody."
• Really?  Even granting a generous dispensation for the universal human tendency to exaggerate, this is clearly  . . . unlikely.
• The population sign says Sturgeon Bay: Pop. 9,437.  Now, even after living here for 8 years, even if I know 437 people--highly doubtful--that means I'm 9,000 people behind the rest of you "everybody knows everybody" blokes. Whew! I'd better get busy!  You people are incredible.  Do you remember everybody's name, too?  You must have some Christmas card list!
• Today's Latin Lesson:    Evado meus gramen!  ("Get off my lawn!")
• Best malapropism ever in a TV series:  When the Bobby Bacala character on “The Sopranos” says that “Quasimodo predicted this,” referring to the footage of the 9-11 disaster he’s seeing on a TV documentary.  (Tony patiently explains that it was Nostradamus, the French poet and seer, not the Hunchback of Notre Dame, who made the alleged prognostication.)
• The only depressing part about going for a walk in the country is getting a close-up look at all the trash thoughtless louts and loutesses have flung out of their cars and trucks.
• Unless you are truly handicapped, there’s no excuse for not taking your shopping cart to the cart corral. 
• You’re an old-timer if you remember “Elmer’s Tune,” a 1939 hit for Glenn Miller.  (You get extra points for knowing it was written by a Chicago undertaker, Elmer Albrecht.)
• The sandwich dates back to the time when man realized he could not live by bread alone!
• Totally superfluous if not totally pointless sign: WATCH FOR FOG (seen on the approaches to the Leo Frigo Memorial Bridge in Green Bay).  Now . . . unless you're driving blindfolded, how do you NOT see the fog if in fact it is present?  A WATCH FOR DEER sign; now that I can appreciate.  Drivers might not know that they are in an area where said creatures could suddenly emerge in a blinding flash.  But WATCH FOR FOG?  Ridiculous. It's either there or it's not!
• You know you have a serious problem if your cholesterol count has a comma in it.
• Obituary Heading Nickname o' the Week:  "Bud Ha Ha," as in Harold "Bud Ha Ha" Haltaufderheid, 82, of Oconto. Last week's winner:  "Grumpy Bear," as in Gilbert C. "Grumpy Bear" LaDu, Jr., 60, of Laona.  (Our condolences to the respective families and no disrespect intended, but if the families are going to publish these nicknames in the obituary heading in the Green Bay Press-Gazette, they are fair game for SZSEZ dissemination.)
• (Actually, you can learn a lot by reading the obituaries, such as discovering names of Wisconsin towns that no one seems to have ever heard of.  Example:  A recent decedent hailed from Athelstane.  Turns out it's in Marinette County, and it's so nondescript even the town's Web site doesn't say anything other than to list the Recycling Center hours and the number to call for building permits.   Oh, and it's near Amberg, if that helps.)
• Redundancy patrol:   "Advance warning," "basic fundamentals," "closed fist."
• Sidewalk rage:  What do the merchants on Egg Harbor Road have against pedestrians?  “We see very little foot traffic,” one of them said in a news story.  Maybe that’s because . . . there . . . are . . . no . . . sidewalks--the same sidewalks the dunderheaded merchants seem to be opposed to. Talk about begging the question!
• Overheard:  "You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?"
• Sometimes you encounter things you never knew existed, such as: Thermometer probe wipes (seen behind the counter at the Sturgeon Bay Subway).
• People who attend real estate Open Houses just to snoop around should get themselves a life.  “Lookie Lou’s” is the polite term for these characters, but I’m sure realtors have another one.  An unprintable one.
• As always, I don't always agree with everything I say. But I hope you do.