POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• Wouldn’t it be weird if a dairy cow was lactose intolerant?
• Sports fact:  The Brewers just lost 9 games in a row.
• Jim's take:  You've got to be philosophical about these things, baseball fans:  I mean, after all, you don't want to peak too soon!  That's the worst thing you can do.
• (Some of those losses were downright embarrassing.  I mean, when the manager leaves in the 7th inning to beat the traffic . . . .)
• Why do we say “cold and damp” in the fall/winter and “hot and humid” in summer?  Why the difference in terminology?  Is there an official line of demarcation? After all, we're talking about the same phenomenon--moisture in the atmosphere.  So is it "damp" at 59.9 degrees or lower and "humid" at 60 and above?  Until otherwise notified, I’m going with “hot and damp” this summer--and "cold and humid" this winter!
• My chiropractor alluded the other day to "muscle memory."  Unfortunately for me, I have muscle Alzheimer's!  (That may not bode well for the healing process.)
• Sociological claptrap dept.:  "Core values."  As opposed to, what, fringe values?  Ancillary values?  Once-in-a-while values?
• Another Media Word (one you see only in news stories or columns and never hear a real person use in everyday life):  "Bellwether."  As in,  "Tuesday's crucial primary elections in Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Arkansas could be a bellwether for reading the electorate's mood in November."
• I'm not the most interesting man in the world.  And I don't drink much.  But when I don't drink, I don't prefer Dos Equis.  Stay thirsty, my friend.
• Put a 4-year-old in a gymnasium, and he/she will probably flop down on the floor and sit there.  But put him or her in a buffet restaurant, and he/she will  run around like a maniac, bouncing off of people trying to carry plateloads of food back to their tables.  (Which their parents apparently think is cute, acceptable behavior, given their maddeningly oblivious/tacit tolerance of same.)
• Ad in college newspaper:  "Wanted—meaningful overnight relationship."
• Speaking of which, does “speed dating” really work?  What’s the record for the most “dates” in one day?  Wouldn't it be funny if two speed daters who were also speed readers and marathon runners hit it off?  Talk about your whirlwind romance!
• Do people still go on blind dates?  Are there blind hookups?
• Overheard: "I have a lot of jukes but no box to put them in."
• Today's Latin lesson:  Ego sententia nos erant in haud dico album! ("Hey, I thought we were on the no-call list!")
• Flaw in our legal system/Double Jeopardy Division: If O.J. Simpson came forward and admitted guilt and asked to be punished for the brutal murders of his wife and her friend, according to our "system of justice,” he couldn’t be punished.  They couldn't lay a glove (pun intended) on him.
• Something’s wrong here.  If someone comes forward and admits guilt after an acquittal, you’re not "prosecuting that person twice for the same crime"; that person in effect is prosecuting him or herself!  It's a whole new deal, it says here.
• Note to U.S. Supreme Court: it's time to tweak the old parchment! Find some Latin words and fix the system accordingly, s'il vous plait!
• Did you know that composer Burt Bacharach’s father, Bert, was a syndicated newspaper columnist for many years?  My favorite part of his columns was "Sandwich Favorites of the Stars." (Example: Red Skelton liked herring on whole wheat with hollandaise sauce . . . or something like that.)
• People would laugh if you were concerned about gaining a third of a pound a week.  But that would add up to 17.3 pounds a year. So a woman who weighed 100 pounds 10 years ago and who gained a third of a pound a week every week since then would weigh  . . . 273.16 pounds today!  
• Ergo, the experts are finally agreeing with my long-held assertion:  You should weigh yourself every day.  You can tell more easily if those 3 pounds are a normal fluctuation . . . or a 3-pound gain.
• I would bet that the average Mexican and the average Canadian can name the president of the United States. All bets are off, however, on whether the average American can name the leaders of those large countries that border ours. 
• For the record: Felipe Calderon is the president of Mexico, and Stephen Harper is the prime minister of Canada.  (As Larry King would say, you'll thank me later.)
• Which leads me to my favorite Larry King memory, as Larry marks 25 years on CNN:  
• One day The Suspendered One saved time at the end of the broadcast to announce that his program would now be available as a podcast for downloading.  And while reporting this, one got the distinct impression that Larry wasn't quite sure what all of this meant.  But the funniest thing was:  During his spiel he was holding an iPod or some sort of MP3 player--as if we needed this "visual aid."  Funnier yet, though, was that he was holding it LIKE IT WAS A LIVE TARANTULA!  A classic Larry King moment.
• And remember, gentle readers--I don't always agree with everything I say.  And I hope you don't either!