POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• I get along with Rodney King, but that’s about it.
•  Whew!  Twenty-eight degrees the other morning.  It was colder than a ticket-taker's smile at the Chicago Theater!
• I'm sure Bram Stoker, in his wildest imaginings, never envisioned he would inspire a dreadfully un-nutritious but apparently very popular children's breakfast cereal!
• Speaking of products, there is a chance someday that Consumer Reports will tout a product we can actually find in a store.  Still looking without success for their top-rated laundry detergent (Tide 2x Ultra Cold Water.  Stores have 37 Tide varieties--but not that one).
• More product choice explosion: I counted 10 different varieties of Crest Toothpaste at a Target store the other day.
• The most inarticulate, no-account people in the universe:  Computer "experts," "IT" people, whatever you want to call them.  Why?  When anything goes awry, it's a "glitch."  Nothing is ever wrong, no one ever admits a mistake, and nothing is ever explained in a plain-spoken manner. They hide behind that catch-all copout word "glitch."
• Memo to TV weathercasters:  Why do you call rain or snow “a rain event” or “a snow event”?  Will refreshments be served?  Are there guest speakers?  Are tickets available?
• I consider myself the poor man's Joe Piscopo.  My best impression is Frank Sinatra Jr!
• There are two types of people in the world:  Those who say "eether" and "neether," and those who say "eyether" or "nyther."  (But nobody says "eyether/or.")
•  "Unwilling to delay until tomorrow mistakes that could be made immediately, Democrats used 2010 to begin losing 2012."  Ouch!  (George Will's opening sentence in his Nov. 4 election post-mortem column in The Washington Post.)
• "I am not a member of any organized party. I am a Democrat."--Will Rogers
• Scary headline: "Young hunters take to the wild/States encourage youths to take up sport by giving them own hunting season" (USA Today, Nov. 2, 2010).
• Details:  Among the states that have added or increased special youth hunting seasons and regulations: Nebraska, Kansas, North Dakota.  Thirty (30!) states have passed youth-friendly hunting legislation since 2004.
• The quote:  Joe Miele, president of the Committee to Abolish Sport Hunting, opposes the idea because he says it encourages youth to take part in an inherently violent activity.  "These youth hunts are a part of the violent culture that we don't need to be breeding. It's unnecessary violence in every case. The world is already a very violent place."
• You know you’ve had too much to drink when you twist the cap off that last bottle of beer . . . and discover it wasn’t a twist-off-cap bottle of beer!  (Ow! Ow!)
• You know you're an old-timer if you remember S&H Green Stamps, the Old Dutch Cleanser girl and the diminutive "CALL FOR Philip Morisssss" guy.
• Soap opera:  Corn on the sob.--Leopold Fechtner
• Eleventh entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in an Obituary sweepstakes: Waukechon, Wis. (r.i.p. James F. Esch, Green Bay Press-Gazette, Oct. 28, 2010). Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica and Brazeau.
• My dentist asked me if I floss religiously.  I said, 'Yes, I floss more often than I go to church." (Next time you go to the dentist,  beat him or her to the punch and ask, "Have we been flossing regularly?")
• Sign on store counter: “Gift cards available—all denominations.”  Wow, how ecumenical!  Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, whatever . . . they will accommodate you.
• What's wrong with this picture?  Your smoke alarm beeps a day or two before it dies, but your car battery dies without a whimper when you're in the middle of nowhere!
• Confession: I was born without the dancing chromosome. When I have to go somewhere where dancing might break out, I always take my personal-injury attorney! That way we can negotiate a settlement right on the spot.
• Book Title of the Week: "Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head," by B. Kliban
• Today's Latin lesson: Alienosuperis! ("Fuhgetaboutit!")
• Disclaimer reminder:  As usual,  I don't always agree with everything I say!