BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life: - Today's Latin lesson: "Did vos animadverto Tripudio Per Astrum permaneo nox noctis?" ("Did you see Dancing With the Stars last night?")
- Do people still "tie a string around their finger" to help them remember something? Has anyone ever done that?
- Book Title of the Week (spotted in Green Bay pet store): "Dachshunds for Dummies."
- "What a nice day" some folks said to me recently when it reached 70. My reply: "Not really." (The wind, you see, was blowing at about 35 mph!)
- Weather, to me, is like a pizza. You wouldn't eat raw pizza dough; so why does one factor--a balmy temperature--automatically make it "a nice day"? If you have a nice temperature (the dough) along with a gentle breeze, low humidity, bearable barometric pressure and decent air quality (the cheese, the sauce, the toppings, if you will), then you have a nice day. But damp air, high winds and an ozone alert can make for a dismal day--whatever the temperature.
- "I lost my job. Actually, I didn't lose it; I know exactly where it is. It's just that when I go there, someone else is doing it!"--Bobcat Goldthwait
- Thanks, Bobcat. Which prompts me to ask: Has anyone unlucky enough to be relieved of his or her job ever gotten the proverbial "pink slip"? (Maybe now it's a pink e-mail.)
- Redundancy patrol: "At this point in time," "enter into," "inner core."
- When did waitresses scarcely out of their teens (or still in them) decide it was OK to address male-female couples two generations older as "you guys"? Guys, plural? There is generally just one guy at my table--and I let the offender know it in no uncertain terms.
- Whatever happened to Yakov Smirnoff?
- I understand Walloon was a Romance language spoken in a region of Belgium. Unfortunately for me, the bookstore was out of English to Walloon/Walloon to English dictionaries.
- (According to Wikipedia: Most younger people (those born since the 1970s) know little more than a few idiomatic Walloon expressions, mostly profanities!)
- You're an old-timer if you remember Powerhouse candy bars, S&H Green Stamps and Clark's Teaberry Gum.
- Jim's War on Jargon: What does "uptick" say that "rise" or "increase" doesn't? Believe it or not, I've even seen "downtick" in news stories! (And I'm not too wild about "ramp up," either!)
- I hate it when restaurants give you a buzzer that tells you when your order is ready. Last time, before we got our food, a nearby garage door went up and down for 10 minutes!
- Overheard: “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
- Woody Allen and Albert Brooks should go back to what they did best—standup comedy. You never saw Laurence Olivier doing open-mike night at the Laff Factory!
- Closed Caption Gaffe of the Week, courtesy of CNN: “New Finland” (instead of Newfoundland).
- Why do auctioneers have to talk that fast? That's one reason I don’t go to auctions. I can’t hear that fast.
- As always, please remember--I don't always agree with everything I say!
