BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:- Coming soon to a bookstore near you: "SZSEZ for Dummies." (Ideal for the hard-to-shop-for person on your Yuletide or birthday gift list!)
- Whew! I'm finally finished with my Christmas shopping--for last year! Now if I can only get going on 2010!
- Here's what I don't get about the tax bill compromise--specifically, all the "Independents" who are up in arms: If you're not Democrat enough to call yourself a Democrat, how can you get that exercised over a bill that tilts to the Republican side? If you are that upset, you're really not that much of an Independent, then, are you? So why don't you call yourself what you really are--a Democrat! (Not that there's any wrong with that . . . .)
- Jim's Yuletide Tip: Instead of that rather lame "If I don't see you, have a Merry Christmas"--or "a nice" whatever--how about: "Let me be among the first to wish you . . ."? Works a lot better. (You'll thank me later!)
- Overheard: "Santa Claus had the right idea: Visit people once a year, and do it when they're all asleep."
- I went to my proctologist the other day. I said, "Doc, I've having some pain." He said, "I'll look into it!" (Wonder what he meant by that!)
- Recent fortune cookie message: "A new pair of shoes will do you a world of good!" (Whew! I'm glad my underwear passed muster!)
- "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."--Miguel Angel Ruiz.
- Memo to the obese: Your condition is not just a health and esthetic issue--it's a moral issue, seeing as how gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. (Gluttony – excess in eating and drinking: "for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags."--Proverbs 23:21.)
- Large banner affixed to the facade of the local Walgreens: "Flu Shots Every Day." Geez, I thought once a year was enough! Must be an aggressive strain this year! Mercy!
- "It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."--Dick Cavett
- Obituary Headline Nickname o' the Week: "Caveman." As in: Thomas H. "Caveman" Thirion (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Dec. 7, 2010).
- Five favorite T-shirt messages from the What on Earth catalog:
- "If you met my family, you'd understand."
- "Comment loading" (above a progress bar about half loaded).
- "I hate it when my cat thinks outside the box."
- "I have seen the future and I'm going back to bed."
- "I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do."
- The most frustrating part about being “on hold” is when the music stops and you think your number is up . . . and it’s just a recorded voice coming on to tell you “how important” your call is to them. If you’re on hold for 10 minutes, you get that at least 10 times.
- Memo to Corporate America: If our calls are so "important" to you, prove it by increasing your call-center staffing. Then and only then will we truly feel the importance you’re so fond of mentioning.
- Don’t you also love it that, whomever you’re dealing with will, even if pressed, give you only his or her first name . . . even though they have a full dossier on YOU?
- I think I could stand it if the Sunday night newscasts didn't tell me every week which movie did what at the box office. For three reasons: (1) I couldn't give a rodent's tochas, (2) one movie in 100 will be remembered 50 years from now . . . and (3) the people who really care--the bean counters and the principals involved--already know. So use that valuable airtime for something that really matters!
- Every time I hear of a mudslide or wildfire in the Hollywood Hills, I'm tempted to think it's God's punishment for what the entertainment industry has done to--not for--America. I'm just sayin'.
- David Brooks of the New York Times on the Republican Party: "If you offered them 80-20, they'd say no. If you offered them 90-10, they'd say no. If you offered them 99-1, they'd say no."
- Fourteenth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in an Obituary Sweepstakes: Lessor, Wis. (r.i.p. Milton E. Bohm, Green Bay Press-Gazette, Nov. 16, 2010). Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp and Kossuth.
- Faded phrases: "Bury the hatchet," "wear the pants in the family," "put on the feedbag."
- "Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."--P.J. O'Rourke. (Obviously, a veiled reference to SZSEZ. Thanks, P.J.)
- Today's Latin lesson: Melior ut tribuo quam ut suscipio. ("It's better to give than to receive.")
