BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:- Wouldn't the economy be better off if we dealt with Standard & Rich?
- I'm becoming quite the fashion plate in my old age. In fact, I'm on the cover of next month's GQ--Geezer's Quarterly.
- If you know the difference between white, off-white, sand, bone, tan, beige, stone, cream, ivory and ecru, you're a woman.
- Whatever happened to a., b., c. and d. coli?
- Mary had a little lamb, but the insurance refused to pay!
- Trend or fluke? I must know 8 or 10 guys who are as masculine as all get-out--wouldn't call any of them "metrosexuals," whatever that is--but who aren't "into sports" in any way, shape or form. And I'm torn between lamenting it and applauding it. Are counselors standing by?
- “President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, and then Republicans cut everything else.”--"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon."
- When the waitress tells you her name, are you supposed to tell her yours? (Or . . . if she doesn't, are you supposed to ask?)
- SZSEZ's Stupid Actual Product Warning Label of the Week: On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
- Overheard: "Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to make out the numbers."
- Reality shows: Programming that puts the "func" in dysfunctional.
- Memo to ESPN: We don't need a busy, sizzling rock beat behind those baseball highlights, what with one or two commentators weighing in with their badinage, the crowd noise and, quite often, the bleed-through of the actual game's play-by-play guy. Sonic overload! It's superfluous, distracting and annoying. (And if the play is so perfunctory that someone thinks it needs quote-unquote "punching up," why show it in the first place?)
- So stop it, ESPN, before SZSEZ wields its considerable worldwide clout and calls for a worldwide boycott. Do you really want that?
- Show me a photo of a dictator who isn't wearing sunglasses. Not possible. (As we say in Standup Land, "What's up with that?")
- Why do people in the movies always hear a dial tone when somebody hangs up on them when this never happens in real life? (A dial tone you can hear from across the room! How does that happen?)
- Words you see in print but never hear anyone use in real life: "Turpitude," "pontiff" and "wizened."
- I think my wife has a self-esteem problem. She subscribes to Mediocre Homes and Gardens!
- Jim's Time-saving Hint of the Week: If you close all of the vents of your car but one and turn the fan to the highest setting, you can blow-dry your hair while you drive to work. (You're welcome!)
- Given a choice between watching (any) infomercial and undergoing a root canal, I' m torn--I really am.
- Has anyone ever seen a woman getting a shoeshine?
- The most vulnerable period for a new shirt is the first three hours (two if it's light-colored). Get past that, and you're home free in the stain department, my friend.
- Voice of experience: Every time I lend someone a book or a CD, I get the queasy feeling I'm seeing it for the last time.
- Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Wildcat." As in Dale "Wildcat" Netzer, late of Lena, Wis. (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, July 15, 2011.) R.I.P., Mr. Netzer.
- In two more months you won't be able to find anybody who will admit to having voted for President Obama.
- Jim's Book Title of the Week: "The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart (An Emotional and Spiritual Handbook)," by Daphne Rose Kingma.
- Today's Latin lesson: Totus suspectus es insons insontis insquequo probo crimen in a villa of lex. ("All suspects are innocent until proved guilty in a court of law.")
