POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life: 

• You can tell a lot about a person by his or her ring tone. 
• (Most of the time, more than you ever wanted to know!)
• Fortune Cookies Enter the 21st Century, continued:  "Your present plans are going to succeed.  Want more?  Visit: www.myfreefortune.com."
• How many times have you read that "sweat itself is odorless"?
• How many times have you actually believed it?
• Jim's Law of Locker Rooms:  Some guy will put on 10 times more cologne (or after-shave) than needed and will then reek worse than with whatever odor he started with.  (With a smell that travels much farther!)
• (People who put on 10 times more cologne/after-shave/perfume than needed should be beaten with rolled-up copies of The Door County Advocate.)
• You have to wonder about those Occupy Wall Street protesters, don't you?  ("Let's go bang on some drums in the park with a muddled message and no discernible leader.  Yeah, that'll work.") Frank Rich of New York magazine says they look like a tired road company of "Hair."
• (About their message:  At one point in time were they happy about the haves and the have-nots?  Have they just discovered this?)
• All those who have ever written a letter to your congressman, raise your pens.
• Life was easier when all the college football games were played on Saturday afternoon and all of the pro football games on Sunday afternoon.   Now they're all over the map--or, the calendar.  Thursday night pro games, Sunday afternoon pro games, Sunday night pro games, and, of course, the villain that started it all--Monday Night Football.
• I'm afraid to look at the sports section--there could be a Tuesday morning college game somewhere. ("Check your local listings for time and station.")
• I'm going to start a new magazine called Geezer.  Don't miss the annual Bathrobe Issue.
• Sad commentary on our world:  How do we describe a person who has achieved great fame or prominence in our society?  As a statesman?  As a great humanitarian?  No--as a rock star!  "Bill  Clinton has achieved rock-star status. . . ."  (I know he did the sex part of it, but trashing hotel rooms?  Not so sure.)
• SZSEZ's Stupid Actual Warning Label of the Week: On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
• Don't fret too much about all those dire forecasts about a harsh winter due to the so-called La Nina effect.  According to USA Today, the Arctic Oscillation, known as the "wild card" of weather, will be in play for most of the Northeast, Midwest and East Coast this winter.
• The oscillation phenomenon is marked by shifts in high and low pressure that causes the position of the polar jet stream to fluctuate.
• (Alas, it can be predicted only about one to two weeks in advance.)
• SZSEZ's Media Word of the Week (a word you never hear any normal person actually use in real life):  Vex/vexed/vexing.
• Why are prosecutors' feet rarely held to the fire when DNA exonerates a wrongfully imprisoned man?
• According to a Oct. 29 Wall St. Journal story, they enjoy broad immunity from civil suits and a measure of professional courtesy that discourages defense lawyers and judges from filing complaints,  attorneys said.
• That is as it should be, said Scott Burns, executive director of the National District Attorneys Association. If prosecutors could easily be sued or sanctioned in the rare instance of a mistake, he said, "They may then err on the side of caution in bringing charges, to the detriment of society." 
• (Does that sound as self-serving to you as it does to me?)
• SZSEZ's Stupid Actual Warning Label of the Week II: On a hotel-provided shower cap: "Fits one head."
• "Something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terror, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them."--Anais Nin.
• There will never be a Morley Safer Lookalike Contest.
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Juice."  As in Kenneth "Juice" Eick, late of Seymour, Wis.  (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Aug. 9, 2011.) R.I.P., Mr. Eick.
• Today's Latin lesson:   Vos can dico de homine suo, consectetuer adipiscing elit.  (You can tell a lot about a person by his or her ring tone.)