POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life: 

• All those who understand and can completely explain this "God particle" revelation, raise your hands.  (But I'll probably understand the intricacies of quantum physics long before I can understand my phone bill.)
• Is there a "Devil particle" too?  That one I'd probably understand a little more.
• When I was in college, I used to drink 7 and 7.  My buddy Tom?  He drank 24/7!
• Every time I turn on a financial-news channel, I see the economy tanking because of "Greek debt woes."  Really?  How can there be a Greek financial crisis with all that yogurt they're selling?
• Let's see if I've got this right:  If Mitt Romney chooses Ohio Sen. Rob Portman as his VP running mate, that will almost guarantee that this vital "swing state" will go Republican? 
• Right.  Forget about Romney being on bad paper with women, gays and Latinos.  If I'm a gay Puerto Rican woman from Toledo, if Portman gets the nod, Mitt's got my vote!  All is forgiven.
• (That's another way of saying the average "political strategist" has the IQ of a tsetse fly.)
• Speaking of politics: If queried by a pollster, ask whom the pollster is voting for.  And if he or she won’t tell you (which they won’t), return the favor.
• Remember when exercise used to be called "calisthenics"?
• There's a world of difference between a head-fake and a fake head.
• "In ancient times, they had no statistics, so they had to fall back on lies."--Canadian economist Stephen Leacock.
• A crisp $100 bill to anyone who can provide a satisfactory explanation of what is so "special" about haiku (and ISN'T submitted in that irritating form)! I guess anything exotic-sounding is supposed to be hip.
• Ever heard of Israel Baker? Probably not.  But you've heard his work.  He was the standout studio violinist who  produced the frightening sounds you hear before the stabbing of Janet Leigh in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho."  (Baker died earlier this year at age 92.)
• New Rule of Thumb: The tackier and more annoying the cell-phone ring, the more slovenly dressed the user.  (Not to mention the number of tattoos.)
• All-Overrated Club:  Tom Bergeron, Dane Cook and Shirley MacLaine.
• "People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home."--Philosopher Dagobert D. Runes in The Village Voice
• Enigmatic Fortune Cookie Message of the Week:  "Know a person with time; know a horse with distance." {Mayhap something got lost in the translation?)
• I've been known to wear a sports team's shirt (Chicago Cubs, UW), but I draw the line at wearing shirts with players' names/numbers.  I'm not an athlete impersonator, and I don't think I'm fooling anyone if "13 CASTRO" is plastered across my back.  I'm a fan, not a wanna-be.
• Another Media Word (a word you see or hear only in news reports and never hear a normal person use in real life):  "Bowdlerize."
• You can tell a pompous person by the number of times he/she uses words like "scenario" and "juncture."  (With a few "at this point in times" thrown in for good measure.)
• "Electricity is really just organized lightning."--George Carlin
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Tootie."  As in Ursule K. “Tootie” Bingen  (Kenosha News obituary, June 7, 2012.  (R.I.P., Ms. Bingen.)
• "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."--Robert Orben
• Fortieth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes:  Laona, Wis.  (R.I.P., John "Jack" Leon Carter, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Feb. 28, 2012.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown,  Dousman., Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet and King.
• Today's Latin lesson: Ut is sits inter domus , is sits inter domus.  ("When she sits around the house, she sits around the house!")