POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• My computer always accepts cookies--but crackers and wafers never get past the security software.
• New Republican slogan:  The Skinny-Dipping Party.  Who knew?  (Hey, look--there's Paul Ryan in the Potomac!)
• Morning in America:  The United States has 3.1 percent of the world's children . . . and 40 percent of the world's toys, Time magazine reports. 
• About those children: Did you know that 41 percent of all American births today are out of wedlock? No moral decay in this society . . . .
• Aside from drug dealers, the metric system really hasn't caught on all that much.
• The pump readout always asks, "Car Wash Today?"  My usual reply:  No.  We're already getting hosed with the gas prices!
• Meanwhile, at Miller Park in Milwaukee, home of the Milwaukee Brewers, the Polish is running away with the races this year.  Which is my misfortune, seeing as how I have the Italian in my Sausage Fantasy League.  (But then again, there's still a lot of sausage left to be played. . . .)
• Another in SZSEZ's series of Media Words, words you see only in print or hear only on news broadcasts:  "Inveigle."
• You read it here first:  Osama bin-Laden's first words when the Navy SEALs  burst into his room that day:  "JimmyJohns?"  (I guess he thought his lunch was being delivered . . . and . . . in a way . . . it was!)
• Another Absurd Warning Seen on an Actual Product: On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  "Not to be used for breast augmentation."
• Redundancy Patrol: "Combine together," "brief summary," "completely annihilate."
• Dumb Idiom of the Week: "Miss out."  Is it possible to "miss in"? What am I missing here?
• Obscurity doesn't  pay much, but it's not without its up sides--no paparazzi, no autograph hounds, no death threats from stalkers or kooks, no kidnap or extortion attempts.  (What's more, your name will never be misspelled.)
• People in bus terminals look tired even before they make the trip.--Jimmy Cannon
• Revelation gleaned from eavesdropping at the Chinese buffet:  The Chinese word for "pizza" is  . . . "pizza."  (Therefore, nothing can be lost in the translation when there IS no translation.)
• Shouldn't Chinese buffets stick to what they know best?  You don't find Moo Goo Gai Pan at Pizza Hut . . . .
• When's the last time you saw a house with a Ping-Pong table?
• “Rosie actually had 'Property of Tom Arnold' tattooed on her hip, which made me the fourth largest property owner in California.” –Tom Arnold at a Comedy Central Roast of his ex-wife Roseanne Barr.
• I don't know much about beeswax, so I have no idea how to mind my own.
• All-Overrated Club:  David Spade, Piers Morgan and most of the roasters at Comedy Central Roasts.
• Unfortunately for Michael Phelps, there's no such thing as Professional Swimming.  (That I know of.)  It must be depressing to be the world's greatest in a field with little or no income potential!  Must be something like being the world's greatest baton twirler.
• I don't know what my next car is going to be, but I do know that if is blue, it won't be called Blue.  It will be called something like Aqua Azure Metallic.  (Or if it is red, it will be Iridescent Crimson Quartz Enamel.)
• Headline:  "Magic Johnson group buys L.A. Dodgers."  That makes as much sense as Shaquille O'Neal buying the Vancouver Canucks. 
• "Anvils appear 1,000 percent more in cartoons than in real life."--Demetri Martin
• Do they still have Notary Publics?  Can you get an e-mail attachment notarized?
• Forty-second entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary Sweepstakes:  Glenmore, Wis.  (R.I.P., Ronald J. Novitski, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Sept. 28, 2011.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman., Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona and Kelly Lake.
• Jim's Survival Tip of the Week:  If in quicksand, physicians and geologists advise wiggling your legs slowly to form pockets of air and water around you until there's room to pry yourself free and climb out.--Wired magazine
• Mental Floss Item o' the Week:  The glue used on Israeli postage stamps is kosher.  (Question:  How would anyone know if it wasn't?)
• Today's Latin lesson: Commodo exspecto populus futurus sessio. ("Please wait for hostess to be seated.")