POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• I didn't have an imaginary friend when I was a kid.  I had an imaginary bully!
• The NFL playoffs brought back some painful memories about high school:  Our team was so bad that the coin toss was usually intercepted!
• Jim's Faded Phrase of The Week:  "Dating the stork."
• Is there anything more useless than a Wal-Mart greeter?  How does Target survive without them?
• As a public service and a great time-saver, here is Jim's "Privacy Notices Made Simple":
• We can do anything we want, and you can't do anything about it, unless your battery of attorneys is bigger than ours.  Thank you and get lost.
• "There are many more Italian-American CPAs than hit men, not that I want to watch a cable TV series about accountants."-- Author Bill Tonelli to Tom Santopietro, author of "The Godfather Effect," in the Wall Street Journal.
• Speaking of Italians, best headline of the year so far in the fabled New York Post (over a picture of the beleaguered captain of the ill-fated cruise ship Costa Concordia):  "Chicken of the Sea."
• Irony of the Week:  Celine Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On" was playing in one of the ship's restaurants when the Costa Concordia hit a rock and began to sink.  Death toll thus far:  17, with 16 still missing.
• Another Strange Statement spotted on an Actual Product: On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: "Why Not Try Tossing Over Your Favorite Breakfast Cereal?"
• If you ask me, Bob Dole is going around the country stirring up apathy!
• "It might work in practice, comrade, but it doesn't work in theory."--Old  Marxist joke regarding anything that deviated from pure communist economics. (SZSEZ:  Your go-to source for Marxist economist humor.  Not much call for it, but . . . )
• If you're wondering why America is losing out on jobs, consider this from a New York Times article about why Apple does so much of its manufacturing in China:
• "Apple had redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near midnight. 
• "A foreman immediately roused 8,000 workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled frames.
• "Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. ‘There’s no American plant that can match that.’ ”
• Exactly.  America has become the Land of "Debby Has To Go On Her Break Now" (after putting in a grueling two hours at the checkout counter).  China is the land of people working 12-hour shifts at a moment's notice.
• "99.99 percent of all castles in America are located in fish tanks."--Demetri Martin
• In four days, the United States uses more water than the world uses oil in a year.-- from the book "The Big Thirst: The Secret Life and Turbulent Future of Water," by Charles Fishman.
• I love it when foodies and restaurant critics call an establishment "a destination restaurant."  As opposed to--what?--the company lunchroom?  A place you were taken to at gunpoint?  A place you know is lousy but go to anyway because it's nearby?
• I'll believe in the Ride-Sharing Program when the president's limo starts participating.
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Benny Honna."  As in:  Benjamin "Benny Honna" Shaw, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary Jan. 4, 2012.  R.I.P. Mr. Shaw.
• "In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.”--Actress Olivia Wilde
• Celebrity Trivia Note of the Week:  The real first name of recently departed soul singer Etta James was . . .  Jamesetta.  Last name:  Hawkins. 
• "Who Knew?" Note of the Week: Ms. James reportedly never knew who her real father was but suspected it was Rudolf Wanderone--better known as Minnesota Fats.  (And all along we always thought he was just a pool hustler!)
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Non habemus ad vos non tetri idem.  ("We don't have to show you no stinkin' badges.")