POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life.

• Why didn't they have a re-dial feature on rotary phones--back when we really needed it?
• Red-ink pens leak more.
• Speaking of red, it looks like the President's "red line" was really a  . . . pink line?  (I'm just sayin'.)
• Why do still-life artists paint bowls of fruit all the time?  What have they got against carrots and green beans?
• I don't care what they say:  Green Bay won't be a true sports town until it gets a roller derby franchise.
• I hear economists talking all the time about the "ripple effect."  What on Earth does drinking cheap wine have to do with the stock market?
• All those who've actually experienced actual tooth-whitening from so-called tooth-whitening toothpastes, raise your hands.  (And then bare your teeth.)
• Headline:  "E-cigarette use rising among youth."  (No word yet on the e-cigar use among older folks.   And are e-pipes in the pipeline?)
• Baseball Roundup:
• Sign on door of Detroit Tigers visitors' clubhouse:  "No Visitors."
• "Listen up!  I have nothing to say, and I'm only going to say it once!"--Yankees manager Yogi Berra to reporters.
• "Gentlemen, that was a real cliff-dweller!"--New York Mets manager Wes Westrum on a hard-fought game.
• "They shouldn't throw at me.  I'm the father of five or six kids."--former Giants infielder Tito Fuentes.
• Remember when the substance most abused by children was chewing gum?
• I don't think Alexander Graham Bell, smart as he was, envisioned "smart phones."
• Call me an elitist snob (as many have), but I couldn't pick Ryan Seacrest out of a police lineup if my life depended on it.
• Whatever happened to Mary Hart?
• Quick now:  How many of you married people could put your hands on your marriage license inside of five minutes?  Five hours?  Five days?  But your driver's license?  Almost instantly!
• When people say " . . . When I'm six feet under," they're speaking proverbially, not factually.  Graves are now dug five feet deep, not six, due to improvements in caskets and burial vaults.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but true nonetheless!)  And even though cremation has taken over in a big way, I've never heard someone say " . . . . When I'm in a mantelpiece urn."  (I'm just sayin'.)
• More words you see in print but never hear anyone use in real life:  "Beaker," "excrement" and "petroleum jelly."
• Three things I've never done:  Worn long underwear,  ordered a daiquiri, or smeared a beaker with petroleum jelly.
• I wonder what they did in Medieval times about static cling.
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week:  "Pruney."  As in, Vernon "Pruney" Nelezen, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, April 16, 2013.  R.I.P.,  Mr. Nelezen.
• Forty-seventh Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary:  Askeaton.  (R.I.P. , Lorraine S. Burns,  Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Aug. 15, 2013).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, and Dunbar.
• Today's Latin Lesson: Operor non dico mihi, ego mos dico vos.  ("Don't call me, I'll call you.")