BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:- Never eat at a place called Mom's, never play poker with a man named Doc, and never admit to having owned a beanbag chair.
- Who dreams up these goofy apps that are constantly being offered to us on tablet devices?
- Recent examples: "Doodle God," "Blue Sleep Therapy" and "Supermarket Mania 2." (Which came first--the name or the actual app?)
- I can never remember if things expand or contract when it's cold. And if it's so very cold, why do windows sweat? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
- No one has ever used an entire tube of ChapStick. Never. They could fill the bottom half with axle grease or cyanide paste, and no one would ever know!
- You know you're a success when your credit card has no expiration date.
- I saw someone using a Dirt Devil vacuum the other day. Devil? Why not Dirt Angel? Dirt Saint?
- Dirt Altar Boy would be better than Dirt Devil! Why the demonic reference? (I'm just saying. . . )
- Another in a series of jimjustsaying's Media Words (words you see or hear only in news reports and never, ever hear used by a normal person in real life): "Burgeoning." (As in, "The burgeoning cost of health care is going to bankrupt America!")
- Weather fact: Because of its shorter length, February is the only month of the year that can pass without a full moon. (A full moon repeats every 29.5306 days, and February has at the most 29.) So when that happens, another month--January or March--can have two full moons, something that last happened in January of 1999, a Triton (Ill.) College astronomer reports.
- Drunk Driver Quote of the Year: When an Indiana man was pulled over in Kenosha (Wis.) County and a sheriff's deputy asked when he had stopped drinking, he replied: "Honestly, when you pulled me over.” (Mr. Genius was sentenced to 18 months for his fifth DUI conviction.)
- I cringe when I hear someone refer to their toddler as a "rug rat." Very disrespectful! (Myself, I much prefer "carpet rodent!" Classier.)
- "In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this."--Author Terry Pratchett
- "There is something entirely appropriate about holding the State of the Union address on the same day as Mardi Gras. One is a display of wretched excess, when giddy and rowdy participants give in to reckless and irresponsible behavior. The other is a street festival in New Orleans."--Dana Milbank in the Washington Post
- Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Bird." As in Lucena "Bird" Paradise, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Jan. 28, 2013. (R.I.P., Mrs. Paradise.)
- "You have no kind of coherence whatsoever in terms of the population in Florida. People aren’t from here; everybody’s from somewhere else, and they liked that place better."--Dave Barry
- Why are there handicapped parking spaces at the Y? If you're able enough to work out, why do you need to park closer? And if you can't work out, you shouldn't be there in the first place, so those spaces are unnecessary. (All those who "fall between the cracks" are probably so few in number that no such spaces are needed for them, either.)
- I know they make adult diapers, but as far as I know--no pacifiers.
- Is the world ready for an Italian comedian in government? In fact, according to a Wall St. Journal report, Beppe Grillo and his Five-Star Movement could well become one of the most powerful forces in Italian politics.
- ("Grillo was taking votes from the left, now he's growing on the right. He's like a bus. Anyone who has a gripe about government gets on!"--Ilvo Diamanti, a professor of politics at the University of Urbino.
- Do they still make Paint By Numbers kits? (Actually, yes. Does anyone buy them? Probably, but not in huge numbers . . . .)
- Snack food prediction: At some point there will be caviar-flavored potato chips. (And, perhaps, cat food.)
- The world was a lot simpler when presidents had nicknames like Ike and celebrities didn't try to make a new song out of the "Star Spangled Banner." (Memo to R&B and country-and-western singers: It's not the "Star-Spangled Blues"!)
- The New Yorker reports that last year, for the first time, the percentage of U.S. women with tattoos--23 percent--surpassed that of men, at 19 percent .
- (The temptation to say "Feminism marches on" is tempered by the overriding thought: How do they know this? Was there some kind of Epidermis Census taken while I wasn't paying attention?)
- Today's Latin lesson: Ego would non vado illic si Ego erant vos. ("I wouldn't go there if I were you!")
