POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric, and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life.

• The only trouble with Chinese fortune cookies is that 20 minutes later you want to read again.
• Okay, I'll admit it:  I'm basically self-taut. 
• How did we ever keep our storms straight without TV stations around to name them?
• Weather prediction:  There's a 40 percent chance there will  be a rock group named Polar Vortex.   With a 30 percent chance of an Alberta Clipper.  Watch this space for further updates.
• Overheard: "I really don't understand why people panic and have to clear out the grocery stores before a storm. Don't people keep food in their homes anymore?"
• "Don't just do something, sit there."--Thomas L. Friedman in the New York Times
• I don't know much about military armament, but I do know that some hawkish politicians like  to drone on and on.
• "Dr. King's dream has come true. His children are being judged by the content of their character."--Atlanta Journal-Constitution
• Message to Big Pharma, whose latest obsession seems to be selling testosterone-boosting products to any male over age 10:  Aging is not a disease, it's a process.  If aging is a disease, then infancy is a disease.
• "Life is easier to take than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable and bear the intolerable."--Poet/essayist Kathleen Norris
• How does it happen that all the Olympic figure skaters are what most people would consider attractive?  Do they weed out the "other" figure skaters before they advance that far?  Or does figure skating just attract the attractive?  
• Otherwise, the law of averages dictates that occasionally you're going to get a homely skater with a bad complexion in the Olympics.  But it never happens!  (I'mjustsayin'.)
• Think of the potential commercial tie-ins: "Clearasil--the official pimple cream of the 2014 Olympics. . . . "   "This event is brought to you by the Plastic Surgeons Council of America."
• "Going down hill at 70 m.p.h. on two thin boards doesn't make you an athlete; an adrenalin junkie at best, or, if it really goes bad, an organ donor."--The Vent, AJC.com
• Newspaper Obituary Nickname of the Week:  "Freddie Buff." As in Alfred "Freddie Buff" Ruffalo, Kenosha (Wis.) News obituary, Feb. 9, 2014.  R.I.P., Mr. Ruffalo.
• Speaking of obituaries: Shirley Temple (R.I.P.) and Judy Garland--two child stars, two very different lifestyles.
• Speaking of actresses: "Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent.”--Sophia Loren
• "The money is in my Bill Pay pipeline" just doesn't have the same ring as "The check is in the mail."  (Which isn't always a lie; sometimes the check IS in the mail!  But who believes you?)
• Jimjustsaying's First Law of Dining:  The hungrier you are, the least likely you are to experiment.
• And just what is so hard about waitressing (or waitering) that makes good ones so rare?
• Jimjustsaying's Dine-Out Tip O' the Week:  At a Mexican restaurant, always ask to be seated in the No Guitarist section.
• Just who are the Gideons and where do they get the money for all those bibles?  Have you ever met a Gideon? And where are all the Gideon churches?
• Jimjustsaying's Book Title of the Week: "Comets and How to Observe Them," by Richard Schmude. 
• Once I have a key, I can't throw it away, even if it hasn't been used in 40 years and I can't remember what it was used in.
• Another Stupid Warning on an Actual Product:  On a wet suit:  "Capacity, 1."
• Fifty-second Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary:  Flintville.  (R.I.P., Robert "Bob" White, Green Bay Press-Gazette  obituary, Jan. 8, 2014).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, Dunbar, Askeaton, Wild Rose. Neopit. Ellisville and Pickett.
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Operor non sudo vegrandis effercio. ("Don't sweat the small stuff.")