POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric, and whimsical observations 
about the absurdities of contemporary life.

• This Christmas season I'm going to send a calendar to every insurance agent and real-estate person I know (just to see if they have a sense of humor).  
• What did they call a Napoleon Complex before they had Napoleon to name it after?
• jimjustsaying's Name for Something That Doesn't Exist But Should: Fitting Persons Bureau:  
• (Where you need to go to find out if your wife is trying something on when you can't find her anywhere in the women's clothing department of whatever store you are in.)
• Peepola:  The gap in the dressing room curtain that can never be completely closed.--"Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe," Rich Hall & Friends
• Women spit only at the dentist's office.
• Of all the artists represented in my collection, I would really hate to lose Lautrec.
• Overheard:  "What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
• Q--What do Attila the Hun and John the Baptist have in common?  A--The same middle name.
• Is the third time always the charm?
• Jim's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week.  "Say [actual party-goer's name here], did you know that the cummerbund was first adopted by British military officers in colonial India as an alternative to a waistcoat and later spread to civilian use?"
• What if there was a comeback and no one came?  I keep reading about the big resurgence in vinyl--as in phonograph records.  (What, you thought I meant auto upholstery?)  Start asking your friends and wait for the blank stares.  
• Jargoneering: Nanojuice.  An ingestible fluid containing colored nanoparticles, administered to diagnose disorders in the gastro-intestinal tract.  The tiny particles, Wired magazine reports, vibrate when pulsed with laser light, creating pressure waves that reveal intestinal activity in real time.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Fortune Cookie of the Month:  "One must dare to be himself, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
• Would a veterinarian who specializes in elephants be called a pachydermatologist?
• Tonight's highlights on TV Land/Iraq, according to jimjustsaying's vast network of sources: 
• 7:00--"Husseinfeld"
• 7:30--"Wheel of Fortune and Sanctions"
• 8:00--"Mad About Everything"
• 8:30--"Family Fatwah"
• 9:00--"Veilwatch."
• 9:30--"Allah McBeal."
• 10:00--"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"  
• And, of course, all of this is always followed by the "No-Witness News" (except for viewers on the West Coast).  
• Speaking of television, I've confirmed it:  The mute button was invented because of Larry King and Regis Philbin.
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the month:  "Elevator."  As in Michael "Elevator" Burkhart, Kenosha (Wis.) News obituary, Oct. 23, 2014.
• Today's Latin Lesson: Si ego operor non animadverto vos have a mirus feriae! ("If I don't see you, have a wonderful  holiday!")