POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric, and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life  

• I'm continually amazed by the huge beards I see whenever I turn on a major-league baseball game.  (And that's just the bat boys!) 
• jimjustsaying's Imponderable of the Week:  Why don't eggs taste like chicken?  (Or like duck?)
• I see by the public prints that the State of Illinois is giving lottery winners IOUs because the budget impasse has left the cupboard bare.  But last I heard you still had to pay money to buy a ticket.  (What would Lincoln say about his Land today?)
• This just in: Get ready for human-cyborg relations, after British sex expert Helen Driscoll declared that "robophilia"--or sex between humans and robots--could be considered "the norm" within the next 50 years.  (Where's Dr. Ruth Westheimer when we really need her?)
• jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you find only in news stories and rarely if ever hear a normal person use it in everyday speech): Wonk.  
• "Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went."--John Updike
• When did the Quinnipiac Poll become Holy Writ when it comes to political weather-vaning?  (I guess George Gallup had to pass the torch to someone. . . . )
• Chris "Hardball" Matthews of ratings cellar-dweller MSNBC seems to think every release of that small Connecticut college's political polls comes in the form of stone tablets.  Since the college is named after an Indian tribe, perhaps it could raise its profile even more by sending its latest poll data in the form of smoke signals.  After all, aren't most politicians and their spinmeisters blowing smoke most of the time too?
• Speaking of MSNBC:  Al Sharpton, your plane is now boarding.    
• Speaking even more about pols and polls, has anyone leading in a political poll ever said, "I don't believe in polls, and the only poll that counts is on Election Day"?  No!  Only the also-rans say that.  If they magically bounce up in the polls, suddenly the refrain is revised.  
• Do they make partial toupees?  (What would they call them--throw rugs?)
• Wish I'd said that:  "She is so coiled about losing again--carrying her front-runner status around like a Fabergé egg--that she screws up and starts losing."--Maureen Dowd, New York Times, on HIllary Clinton
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice Breaker of the Week:  "Say (actual partygoer's name here), did you know that the notable alumni of Quinnipiac University include Ryan Cleckner, Themis Klarides and Arnold Voketaitis?"  
• How many fatalities is it going to take for people to realize that--just maybe--air shows aren't really that great of an idea anymore?  Can't the teeming hordes of bored weekenders get their summertime jollies in another manner? One that doesn't involve annual fatalities?
• Sometimes the victims aren't the "performers" but innocent people on the ground who don't give a rodent's derriere about airshows.  And most of the "audience" members are probably looking down at their devices most of the time anyway.  
• jimjustsaying's Signspotting of the Week:  Outside Timsan's Japanese Steak House in Green Bay, Wis.:  "Come in and sashimi sometime."
• It  was a good week for not taking it anymore, The Week magazine reports, after an Orlando TV news anchor walked off the set when his co-host introduced a story about one of the Kardashians. “I can’t take any more Kardashian stories on this show!” John Brown said. “It’s a nonstory!”  
•  "I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there."--Columnist Herb Caen, quoted in HuffingtonPost.com
• jimjustsaying's Word of the Week:  "manglazette."  The newspaper at the top of the stack that everyone passes over, believing the ones beneath it have better or fresher news.--"Sniglets," Rich Hall & Friends
• Newspaper Obituary Nickname of the Week:  "Mouse."  As in Michael "Mouse" Gutowski, Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary, Aug. 24, 2015.  R.I.P., Mr. Gutowski.
• Sixty-third  Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary: Krakow, Wis.. (R.I.P., Joseph Ruatti, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, July 5, 2015).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, Dunbar, Askeaton, Wild Rose. Neopit, Ellisville, Pickett, Flintville,  Forest Junction, Thiry Daems, Black Creek,  Mountain, Ledgeview, Lunds, Suring, Lakewood, Beaver and Cloverleaf Lakes.
• Faded Phrase of the Week: "Let's get down to brass tacks." 
• As a public service and a great time-saver, here is jimjustsaying's Privacy Notices Made Simple:  "We can do anything we want, and you can't do anything about it, unless your battery of attorneys is bigger than ours.  Thank you and get lost."
• (How many trees could be saved if the millions of privacy notices--and their requisite envelopes--ceased to exist?  No one reads them, no one would miss them.  But I think we'd probably miss the trees.)
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Quamdiu a exspecto a traba?  ("How long of a wait for a table?")