POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• "Nalt8st," "lan5kl," and "tiff3lr."  (Those were just the latest "verification words" I had to type in to e-mail news stories and columns to family and friends.  Do not adjust your computer. Thank you.)
• Hey, Larry King:  Maybe marriage No. 8 will be the charm!  (Name all seven of Larry's wives and win valuable prizes!)
• Morning in America: Larry is doing infomercials, Burt Reynolds is reportedly broke and wasting away and an Olympic Gold Medal swimmer makes up a cockamamie story about being robbed at gunpoint.  Donald Trump in the White House?  Fits right in!
• I’m having trouble mastering the art of stir-frying.  I can talk the talk, but I can’t wok the wok.
• More food for thought:
• You know you've ordered some bad Chinese takeout when the fortune cookie contains a coupon for Pepto-Bismol!   (Best fortune cookie seen in quite some time:  "You always have the right answers; they just sometimes ask the wrong questions.")
• There has been a lot in the news lately about the alleged discovery of Col. Sanders' secret "11 herbs and spices" recipe.   Which reminds me of my college days:  I was so poor, I used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!"
• I have no problem with Walmart greeters, but they should call them what they mostly resemble: Cardboard cutouts.  
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that Richard NIxon played the lead role in a school producton of 'The Aeneid'?"
• Best health-related news of the summer:  Flossing doesn't do much good, if any.   Dentists will now have to lecture us about--what?--earwax, perhaps.  (Don't worry--they'll find something.)
• Rumors that Rush Limbaugh once played professional volleyball are just that--rumors.  
• You can tell a lot about a person by his or her ringtone, their choice of socks and how they eat corn on the cob.
• Some people love to point out that even the best baseball players--those who hit about .300--succeed only 3 times out of 10.  Meaning, they always love to add, that they fail 7 times out of 10.
• A good thing, don't you think?  You think the games are long now? Think how long they'd last if they succeeded 7 times out of 10! 
• (Wife:  "Jim, do you think we can go pretty soon--it's the 43rd inning!" Jim:  "Aw--let's stay just two more times through the batting order.  I wanna see if they can score 30 runs this inning. Could be a record!")
• Speaking of baseball, I really had self-esteem problems growing up. I mean, I used to fantasize about striking out with the bases loaded in the ninth inning!
• People who use a credit card for a $3 fastfood purchase are in need of counseling but probably can't afford it.
• They've had poker tournaments on TV for some time now.  Chances of bridge, canasta and bid whist popping up on the airwaves?  Not good.
• I wonder:  Do they have Casual Friday at the U.S. Supreme Court?   
• Seventy-fifth Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary: Rio Creek, Wis.. (R.I.P., Ronald B. Wendricks, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, April 1, 2016).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, Dunbar, Askeaton, Wild Rose. Neopit, Ellisville, Pickett, Flintville,  Forest Junction, Thiry Daems, Black Creek,  Mountain, Ledgeview, Lunds, Suring, Lakewood, Beaver, Cloverleaf Lakes, Krakow,  Pella, Townsend, Vandenbroek, Coleman,  Spruce, Armstrong Creek, Lake Gogebic, North Chase, Navarino, Pequot Lakes and Buchanan.
• Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: Dancing Bob. As in Robert "Dancing Bob" Lehnert,, Green Bay Press-Gazette, June 25, 2016.  R.I.P., Mr. Lehnert.
• jimjustsaying's Words That Don't Exist But Should of the Month (courtesy of "More Sniglets" by Rich Hall & Friends): 
•  --Malibugaloo: n. A dance that affects barefoot beachgoers on hot summer days. 
• --Magnagram: n. Any sign that takes on new meaning when a magnetic letter falls off.
• --Kawashock. n. Pulling into the last remaining parking spot only to discover a motorcycle there
• I'm firmly against the death penalty except for fraudulent users of handicapped parking spaces, wealthy defaulters on student loans and people who leave huge puddles of water in front of their gym lockers.
• Is there some kind of rule that says every protest group's chant has to begin with "Hey-hey, ho-ho . . ."?  
• Three words you commonly see in print but never hear anyone actually use: "Cavort,"  "nimble" and "splendid."
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Ego sententia nos erant in haud dico album! ("Hey, I thought we were on the no-call list!")