By Jim Szantor
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations
about the absurdities of contemporary life
- I recently heard someone say, in response to a lame policy proposal: "That's like putting lipstick on a pig!"
- Ergo, what shade of lipstick looks best on a pig? (I'd go with a frosted purple, but, hey, that's just me.)
- jimjustsaying's Favorite June Headline: "More Labs Retiring Apes as Studies Finish"
- (Does that mean that the Social Security Administration is going to run out of money even sooner?)
- I was hoping President Trump would wear a camou tie for his July 4 Tank and Pony Show, but no such luck. (I was also hoping for a rerun of "Picknicking with the Gingriches" to highlight my Independence Day television viewing, but there again, no such luck.)
- No surprise that Mad Magazine finally gave up the ghost. The world has gone madder and wackier to the point of almost being beyond satirization. I'd prefer a saner society in which Mad would stand out and thrive, but not much chance of that anymore.
- I see where "Real Time" host Bill Maher has an ownership stake in the New York Mets. No truth to the rumor that he's lobbying for a team made up entirely of left-handed pitchers and left-handed hitters.
- (Memo to Bill: Your monologues would be just as funny without the "f-bombs" and the other vulgarities. I guess "working clean" isn't hip and is therefore out of the question for some of these folks. Another charming feature of cable TV.)
- Drudging Around: Gonorrhea May Be Transmitted Through Kissing . . . Couple Films Sex Tape in Driverless Tesla . . . Average American Hasn't Made New Friend in 5 Years . . . DIY Coffin Clubs Take Sting Out of Death . . . Cops: Suspect Had 7 Syringes Hidden in Body Cavity . . . Frat Busted for "Hazing" Dog . . . Study: Men Think About Sports More Than Sex! . . . Navy Releases Probe in "Sky Penis" Drawing . . . Chimpanzees Spotted Cracking Open Tortoises for Meat . . . Men: Sex Dolls Way Better Than Women . . . Alabama Warns Drivers Not to Eat Chicken Tenders Spilled on Highway . . . Rare Penny Found in Child's Lunch Money Could Auction for $1.7 million . . . Women Can't Hear Men's Voices Due to Rare Condition . . . Humans Wearing "Teledildonic" Suits Can Have Sex With Each Other Over the Internet. (Thanks to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for these entertaining morsels.)
- "Anvils appear 1,000 percent more in cartoons than in real life."--Demetri Martin
- Redundancy Patrol: "Each and every," "natural habitat," "end result," and a fairly new one that boggles the mind: "price point." What does "point" add that "price" doesn't already say?
- jimjustsaying's favorite Media Words (words you only encounter in print or electronic news media and never hear a real person use in everyday life): Debauchery, retinue and gambit.
- Do animals get their blood pressure taken? Is high blood pressure a "silent killer" for them too?
- James Woods on working with Robert De Niro and other Method actors:
- "It's just a bunch of old s---. If it's a great script and you're working with good people, what's the problem? I'm tired of the Actors Studio bull---- that has ruined movies for 40 years. All these guys running around pretending they're turnips--they're so annoying. It's 4 a.m. and you're trying to get some shot done, and they're with a coach moaning about how they can't feel this, can't feel that. Just say the lines and get on with it!"
- Broadcast blather: "We'll talk more about that 'on the other side of traffic.' " Let's see: "On the other side of"--five words. "After"--one word. Do they get paid by the word?
- I keep reading and hearing more and more about celebrity chefs. Celebrity busboys? Not so much. That's next.
- Memo to producers of newspaper advertising inserts: “WOW! doesn’t work for me anymore next to a loss-leader price tag. I think we’re all pretty much "WOWed out" by now. (A recent insert for Walgreen’s had 36 WOW! items. Enough already!)
- Tell you what, advertisers: Just tell me the product and the price, and I'll decide whether it's a WOW! for me or not.
- (Better yet, why not come up with some more novel wording, something more attention-getting, such as: HOLY SHIT! Duracell AA's, 4 pack, 99 cents!!!" . . . Or, "JESUS H. CHRIST! Snickers 2-pack, 89 cents!!! Now we're talkin' "grabbers," are we not?!)
- Three things no one has ever had a craving for: Water chestnuts, bean sprouts and Worcestershire sauce.
- There will never be a Richard Belzer Lookalike Contest. (Love "The Belz," though. He gets my vote for best comic/serious actor combo platter.)
- My favorite all-time Ring Lardner line: “Shut up,” he explained.
- Would anyone be surprised if PETA objected to the rating of engines in horsepower? Who knows, perhaps they already have!
- jimjustsaying's Catty Comment of the Month: Barbra Streisand was recently quoted in the London Daily Mirror as saying she can't stand the sound of her own voice. Really? What took her so long?
- Today's Latin Lesson: Ut res orator. ("That being said . . .")
