POPCORN

  By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• If someone had told you 30 years ago that we’d be spending a good share of our day fingering a mouse or staring at a phone, you would have questioned his or her sanity.
• Have you ever known anyone who will admit to watching a shopping channel? (And, come to think of it, wasn’t the Home Shopping Network ahead of its time?)
• Speaking of television: Ready for a taste of Iraqi TV? You didn't hear it from me, but I understand "Saddam's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" will soon be available for streaming.
• Why do some canned goods have a convenient pull-tab for opening and some don’t?
• You’ll see variances within the same variety (green beans) within the same brand name (Del Monte). One would think pull tabs would have lapped the field long ago, but they’re still neck in neck with the old cans.
• I notice we're never told in Roman numerals how many NFL players have contracted the coronavirus or are under indictment for various felonies. (Will Super Bowl LV be canceled because of Covid-X1X?)
• “It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”—Dave Barry
• Just learned that an apiary is a place where bees are kept. Where are the apes then kept—a bee-iary?
• jimjustsaying's Pet Peeve of the Week: Not Really-a-Gift Gifts. Like those tote bags and such your insurance company or financial advisor sends you on your birthday that has the firm's name emblazoned on them, as if to say: "Here's sort of a gift, now go and advertise our company wherever you go."
• Nothing brings out the hypocrisy in people like property taxes. They'll sit on a bar stool and brag, "We bought our house for $59,900 in '64 . . . and now it's appraised at $184,500, HAHAHAHAHAHHA!"
• But mention a possible $600 increase in their annual property tax (for frivolities such as schools or infrastructure improvement), and they start sputtering and spitting nails.
• jimjustsaying’s Favorite Quotes of the Month:
• --"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.”--Author Susan Ertz
• --If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”--Dorothy Parker
• “It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness.”--Author Chuck Palahniuk
• What’s the difference between a proverb, an axion and an adage?
• Drudging Around: How married woman smuggled her boyfriend out of prison in a dog crate . . . Just one student shows up for Detroit teacher’s first day . . . Mexican drug cartel gunmen burn rival’s face off as he pleads for death . . . Man traveled on Greyhound bus with dismembered body parts in suitcases . . . Snake used as face mask on bus . . . Study: People happier spending time with friends than spouse . . . Dog-walker escapes gator dragging him into water by poking eye . . . Monkeys have holes drilled in heads; horrific experiments in Belgian labs . . . 9-year-old sent home—after sneezing . . . ‘Human Satan’ slices off nose, has horns implanted . . . Air Force now has own tattoo shop . . . Male baboons get health benefits from platonic friendships with females . . . Man killed in dispute over line at Michigan haunted house . . . Parrots removed from wildlife park after swearing at customers . . . No jail for parents after baby was disabled after strict vegan diet . . . More men and women consider sex with robot . . . Man knifed cousin during argument over almond milk . . . Pastor did exorcism on toddler and used meth with church members, cops say . . . People still evolving as wisdom teeth vanish and people grow new arteries. . . Priest arrested for threesome with dominatrices on church altar. (Thanks again to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for this month’s batch of forehead-slappers.)
• jimjustsaying’s Platform If He Were to be a Presidential Candidate: Instituting a Department of Fashion Police. Because the hiring of detection and enforcement personnel and the building of the requisite prisons would create an enormous number of jobs—white, blue and pink collar!
• jimjustsaying's Oxymoron of the week: Political science.
• Speaking of politics: The bottom line is, at the end of the day, we have get down to brass tacks and stop kicking the can down the road. And you can take that to the bank. God forbid.
• Overheard: "You don't have to floss all your teeth, just the ones you're planning to keep."
• Redundancy Patrol: Added bonus, basic necessities, completely annihilate.
• jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn't Exist But Should of the Month: Wondracide: The act of murdering a piece of white bread with a knife and cold butter.--"Sniglets," Rich Hall and Friends
• “There are only two industries that call their customers ‘users’: illegal drugs and software.”--Statistician Edward Tufte
• “As the cold, icy weather continued, many telephone poles and wives were downed during the night.”--Wyandotte (Mich.) News via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.
• Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname(s) of the Month: Butch, Giggles, Jerry. As in, Gerald L.W. “Butch, Giggles, Jerry” Hildahl, Green Bay Press-Gazette, Aug. 13, 2020.
• Today's Latin Lesson: Quam longum est ire ad invenire de eius qui vicit electionem? ("How long is it going to take to find out who won the election?")