POPCORN

                                                        By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• Green olives, bottles; black olives, cans. Discuss.
• I’ve never seen a service animal that wasn’t doing an exemplary job. People? Not so much. But their devices are always working overtime.
• There are no slacker service animals. They’re so skilled, gentle and dedicated that it can move you to tears.
• Based on what I’m seeing on baseball telecasts, I think it’s high time to revise some of the lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”: “Buy me some nachos and Cracker Jack, I’ll send you a selfie before I get back, for it’s . . . .” 
• He said it: “Never belong to a club that would have you as a member!”—Groucho Marx
• She said it: “No matter how cynical you may become, it’s never enough to keep up!”—Lily Tomlin
• jimjustsaying’s Fortune Cookie Message of the Month (courtesy of Lucky Liu’s, Milwaukee): “A bit of coin will fall into your wallet this month.” (Whew! For a moment, I thought it said “bitcoin.” Almost got a case of the crypto creeps!)
• This just in, a Washington Post story titled “Crypto is a solution in search of a problem.” Subtitle: “Crypto is dropping like a rock. Here's why that's a good thing.” (See my Link Tank in jimjustsaying.com for the full story.)
• Speaking of current trends, check this May 26 headline: “Pickleball Is the Wild, Wild West’: Inside the Fight Over the Fastest-Growing Sport in America”
• Good Lord! Can’t we do anything in this country without distorting it and contorting it and ruining it? Facebook started as a college’s boy messaging service for “rating girls,” and now it supposedly has become a subversive propaganda vehicle and a threat to our democracy that has come under heavy government scrutiny. Ditto Twitter and that out-of-control billionaire Elon Musk.
• Whatever happened to Faye Dunaway? (According to recent reports, she’s alive and well and writing a tell-all to “even a few scores.”)
• jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month (a word no normal person ever uses but is often encountered in newspaper headlines and stories): Travails
• Redundancy Patrol: ATM machine, VIN number, revert back.
• All Over-Rated Team (in this case, “The G Team”): Whoopi Goldberg, Jim Gaffigan and Greg Gutfeld.
• Shouldn't public-service ads (or those tag lines at the end of beer commercials) say "Please drive responsibly" instead of "Please drink responsibly"? If you're home alone, I don't much care if you drink irresponsibly (as long as you don't "drunk dial" me!).
• Memo to magazine publishers: Stop sending me renewal notices six or more months prior to my renewal date. It’s annoying, a waste of paper, and I know full well I’m going to get a better deal if I hold out until the last minute. (But it must pay off for them or they wouldn’t be doing it.)
• Overheard: “Stay away from ‘still’ people: Still broke, still complaining, still hating, still nowhere.”
• I just read that the Chicago Police Department has 25 mounted officers and 30 horses. That could mean that right now there are 5 horses running around arresting people all by themselves!
• A wise man once said that a good work ethic also requires a good rest ethic
• Two statements that are probably applicable in almost every case or situation: The truth probably lies somewhere in between . . . or there’s probably enough blame to go around.
• Why can you get brown rice in any grocery store but never in any Chinese restaurant? Discuss.
• It never fails: My transaction at the post office usually takes about 20 seconds, but the person before me? Must have been trying to send weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea. (Unwrapped, of course.)
• Vastly underrated life skill: Being able to flawlessly giftwrap a Christmas or birthday present.
• Most people hate the sound of their own voices, the sight of their own photos or their inability to giftwrap anything.
• Overheard: “The best way to truly surprise someone at a surprise party is to hold it a week late.”
• If you’ve never checked the pressure on your spare tire, feel no guilt. Your current car probably doesn’t have one.
• About the only thing my first car (1954 Chevrolet Bel Air) and my current car (2016 Chevrolet Impala) have in common: No CD player! (CD players in cars lasted about as long as the Sony Mini Disc or the video disc.)
• Newspaper ad: "You're invited to a Free Gourmet Dinner--Exclusively for Women with Low Thyroid." (Let's see: Tuesday--Mexican night; Wednesday--Stir-Fry Special; Thursday--Low-Thyroid Gals Night Out! Got it!)
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Bumpy.” As in, William “Bumpy” Blaser, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, May 18, 2022. R.I.P., Bumpy.
• Belated Mother’s Day sentiment, via Canadian author Susan Gale: “Mothers are the glue. Even when you cannot see them, they are still holding the family together.”
• Drudging around: ‘Dead’ woman bangs on coffin to say she’s alive during funeral . . . Woman investigating dog attack killed by pack of dogs . . . STUDY: Direction your bed faces could be making you sick . . . Shanghai woman lived in phone booth for month . . . Robot chef learns to taste, chew, alter seasoning . . . Oregon law requires menstrual products in boys’ bathrooms? . . . Man dies of heart attack burying woman he strangled . . . STUDY: Psychopaths have bigger brains . . . Calling men “bald” counts as sex harassment, UK tribunal rules . . . City puts limits on how long a dog can bark . . . Arby’s manager seen in video peeing in milkshakes . . . Couple sues only son for not giving them grandchildren . . . Pope’s secret recipe to treat bad knee is tequila . . . Brain-altering parasite makes infected people appear more attractive to others . . . American girls now reaching puberty as young as 6 . . . Invasive jumping worms make way to Calif., worrying scientists . . . Is Happy the Elephant legally a person? Court to decide . . . North Carolina priest ditches job to become gay porn star at 83 . . . Rattlesnake population booming in California . . . They’re hazing bears with paintball guns in Tahoe . . . Rio airport screens show porn. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of earnest aggregators.)
• jimjustsaying's Amazon.com Product of the Week: Orcon LB-C1500 Live Ladybugs, Guaranteed Live. Approximately 1,500 Count, $16.00.
• “When frying chicken, use a frying pan large enough so pieces will fit without crowing.”—Brattleboro (Vt.) Daily Reformer. —“Still More Press Boners,” Earle Tempel.
• jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Schlitzstop.” n. The one player in amateur softball games who thinks he can handle his position and a can of beer at the same time. —Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe,” Rich Hall and Friends.
• I like sweet potatoes--and the beta carotene is a nice bonus. (Frankly, I prefer alpha carotene, but, hey--that's just me! It’s an acquired taste.)
• Today's Latin Lesson: Haud, muneris, illic nusquam in vehiculum vos postulo ut fatigo super. ("No, officer, there's nothing in the car you need to be concerned about.")
Special thanks to Kaye Pasa, this month’s Popcorn intern