POPCORN

                                                                   By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• Three things no one has ever had a craving for: Water chestnuts, bean sprouts and Worcestershire sauce.
• Full disclosure:  I’m reasonably confident there are no classified documents in our apartment.  (Some classified ads, but that’s about it!)
• I’m so obscure, my astrological sign has been taken down.
• I don’t care what Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see on Feb. 2. Groundhog Day simply means six more months of basketball!
• What’s with the Super Bowl and that Roman numeral affectation?  Did they play one in the Colosseum somewhere along the line? 
• NFL quarterback to sideline reporter after game: “We left it all out on the field, man.  My receivers ran really good routes, man!  Our O line gave me a lot of protection, man!’  The “man” the player was speaking to was . . . Pam Oliver of Fox Sports.  Wonder how she feels about the “man” business?  Gotta love that jock mentality.
• Then a studio analyst praised the winning team in many ways, adding, “This is a really physical football team.”  Ya think?  I don’t think there are too many--if any--touchy-feely teams in the NFL, and certainly none of those would have made it to the playoffs.
• Speaking of football, quarterback given names have taken a distinct turn in recent years, with names like Eli, Peyton, Dak, Tua, Justin, Jalen, Trevor, Kirk, Brock and Skylar.  I guess when Joe Montana retired, they retired his first name as well, and perhaps this is also why Tom Brady has stuck around so long.  He’s afraid he will be replaced by someone named Chauncy or Treontre. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
• Then there is the swing in car names from Mustang, Thunderbird, Firebird, Charger, Impala, Avenger, Comet and Roadmaster to names that sound like alphabet soup or a math equation.  And just what is an Elantra anyway? There’s even a Kia Seltos, whatever that means.
• Fun fact:  The name El Dorado, as in the Cadillac model of yore, isn’t named after anything. It was the brainchild of a secretary to one of the General Motors execs.  (I doubt she got a bonus or a royalty for her efforts.  Just a hunch.)
• It was such a slow news day the other day that Joe Biden called a press conference to announce that he is lactose intolerant!
• A sentiment for Valentine’s Day: “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.--William Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet”
• If you have any of these 1950s albums ("Cha Cha Cha," by Raul Martinez; "Million Sellers," by Lew Raymond;  "Organ Favorites," by Steve Phillips; "Latin Rhythms," by Miguelito Valdez; "Gigi," by Gordon Fleming; and "Favorites from Italy," by Nestor Amaral), you may have noticed that the same (then-unknown) model graces the covers of all of those LPs.  Her name: Mary Tyler Moore.  (Who else would tell you these things?)
• More Moore:  The first concept of the “Mary Tyler Moore” show had her as a divorcee who was working as a secretary to a gossip columnist, according to Interesting Facts.
• In case you ever wanted to know, the first verse to the national anthem of Guatemala is:
• "Guatemala, blest land, home of the happy race, may thine altars profaned never be, no yoke of slavery weigh on thee ever, nor any tyrants e'er spit in thy face."
• (I'm no anthem expert, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and state that this is the only national anthem containing the word "spit."  I'm just sayin'.)
• I was half-listening to the TV the other day and heard a guy talking about Alberta Clippers, Manitoba Maulers and Saskatchewan Screamers.  No, it wasn't the sports guy--it was the weatherman.  Turns out those were storm systems, not hockey teams.  Who knew?
• Magazine renewal notices that say "Last Chance" really mean there are five more coming--maybe more. They will start giving up when companies will start cheerfully refunding your money.
• Did you know that Papiamento is the official language of Curacao?  (Good luck finding an English-to-Papiamento and Papiamento-to-English dictionary. Must be sold out!)
• A common Papiamento expression is Hopi skuma, tiki chukulati (A lot of foam, little chocolate): In other words: Too good to be true. (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but it’s here if you need it.)
• Five Activities I Omitted from my Senior High School Yearbook Listing:

                                                             

• Extra-Strength Clearasil Trials Participant
• Future Insurance Claims-Adjuster Club
• Badger State Bail Bonds Seminar
• Crash-Test Dummy Lookalike Contest
  
• Hair Club for Boys
• Top 10 Things I Overheard at my 50th Class Reunion
• 10. “Being the coolest guy at the Senior Center is a lot like being the tallest midget in the circus!”
• 9. “It’s come to this--believe it or not, I think my legs actually look better in support stockings!”
• 8. “Aside from the bypass, the hip replacement and the foreclosure, everything’s fine!”
• 7. “I swear, Bob, your new rug is almost undetectable!”
• 6. “I hate dialysis, but it sure beats sitting around the house arguing with the old lady!”
• 5. “Yeah, I came stag tonight; the Escort Service doesn’t do reunions.”
• 4. “I just realized that next year all the grandkids will be old enough to be tried as adults!”
• 3. “Thank God, I had a pre-nup the second and third time around!”
• 2. “When the moment is right, I’m not always right for the moment, if you get my drift!”
• 1. “No, I’m NOT still living in my mother’s basement; it’s my BROTHER-IN-LAW’S basement, okay?!”
• He said it: “Not all who wander are lost.”—J.R.R. Tolkien
• She said it: “All experience is great, providing you live through it.”--Alice Neel
• I wonder if any condemned prisoners ever had the chutzpah to send their last meal back to the kitchen.  ("You call this a steak?  I’m never eating here again!")
• jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Magnagram.” Any sign that takes on a new meaning when a magnetic letter falls off.”--“More Sniglets, Rich Hall and Friends. (Example:  PUB IC LIBRARY)
• “Despite Mrs. Stevenson’s pubic diplomacy, the relationship between her and her husband has not improved.”--Newark (N.J.) Star-Ledger, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.
• Whatever happened to John Davidson?
• A Tale of Two Countries:  In the U.S., we all know about the existence of suicide hotlines.  In Canada, through the MAID program (Medical Assistance In Dying), there are also pro-suicide hotlines.
• According to the London Daily Mail, one doctor who said she has assisted in more than 300 suicides says, “It’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done.”  Hmmm. One woman whom she recently assisted did have leukemia but was not adjudged critically ill--she was just despondent over her economic realities/pending homelessness.
• The number of MAID deaths has grown from just over 1,000 in 2016, when assisted dying in Canada was formally legalized, to 31,644 in total by the end of 2021. More than 10,000 people died by MAID in 2021 alone. How much Covid played into that was not divulged or maybe even known.
• Redundancy Patrol:  Reflect back, pair them together, forever and ever.
• jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that the phrase “Wearing your heart on your sleeve” originated in the Middle Ages?  It was the custom of jousting knights to wear some form of insignia on their arm that indicated the ladies for whom they were hoping to triumph, thus proclaiming their love to the world.”
• Speaking of antiquity: Next time you sit down to a square meal, tell your friends that the term comes from 18th Century England, where food was served on square wooden plates. (Makes perfect sense in a country where they drive on the wrong side of the road!)
• Who determines those goofy (but oh-so-important) Model Numbers they put on products?
• ("Hey, J.P., let's make this one . . . um . . . VMT06123EB345IU.  Sound good to you?")
• (I'm sure even the smallest manufacturing company never called something Model No. 1, even though it was the first widget, grommet or hemorrhoid remedy they produced. They always bump the numbers up to make their company appear bigger than it really is. That’s my opinion, and I’m sticking with it.)
• When enemies of the U.S. are discussed, no one ever mentions Switzerland. But if there were no such thing as those fabled "Swiss bank accounts," how much of a game-changer would that be for U.S. coffers? 
• Ditto for countries that house U.S. companies’ headquarters so that said company can dodge taxes or pay at a lower rate.  (Then there’s the equally fabled "underground economy" . . . .  If some of these tactics were to be eliminated, our tax rate might be more than a tad lower . . . and the government would have the money to rebuild infrastructure and finance all the worthy endeavors we shortchange.  Not to mention lowering the astronomical deficit.)
• DRUDGING AROUND:  Robots with consciousness will eclipse reality . . .  Passengers thrown off plane for showing plane crash pics . . . Rats everywhere in Seattle . . . Inside the sky-high world of drug-smuggling flight attendants . . . It’s all gone to hell: Young people turning to Satanism instead of Christianity . . . Man wearing “Jesus Saves” T-shirt at Mall of America ordered to take it off or leave . . . How extinct animals could be brought back from the dead . . . More states make homeless encampments a crime . . . People abandoning pets at airports . . .  Thousands of churches closing every year in U.S. . . . Pig kills butcher at slaughterhouse . . . Aretha Franklin’s “Natural Woman” blasted by trans activists . . . Vatican investigates lockdown sex party in cathedral. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)   
• The Columbia Journalism Review's Correction of the Week: “An earlier edition of this story incorrectly stated that ACORN advisers posed as a prostitute and a pimp. In fact, two conservatives who posed as a pimp and a prostitute sought tax tips from ACORN advisers.”--The Washington Post
• Know Your Door County Dept.:  The township of Nasewaupee, named after a Menominee Indian chief in 1859, has a most iconic street name in its southwest sector: Cheesehead Lane.  (Sorry, no Fish Boil Boulevard. More’s the pity!)
• Winter weirdness:  I’m always amused by the apparently universal one-upmanship mode people go into with snowstorm (or rainfall) totals:  "We got 22 inches!" "Oh, yeah, WE got 23!"   People act as if they were personally responsible for the higher numbers . . . that they're taking credit for them, in a way.  Or that they are supposedly made of sterner stuff for having "survived" that extra inch (assuming the totals are accurate, which they may or may not be).
• Product Choice Explosion Tip:  After you find a toothbrush (or similar item) you really like, buy a few more soon because if you wait, the packaging will have changed and you'll never be able to find it again, or a "new and improved" version will be new but not improved.  In fact, it may not be half as good. Or, inexplicably, it will have been discontinued, no matter how popular the product may have been.  (See related story “Your stuff is actually worse now” in The Link Tank in jimjustsaying.com.)
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Herr Dressler.” As in, Horst Christian “Herr Dressler” Dressler, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Jan. 15, 2023.  R.I.P., Herr Dressler.
• I wonder what it's like to be a public defender assigned to "represent" a sicko like the accused Idaho killer of four college kids, knowing full well in all likelihood that he's guilty as hell despite all the disingenuous "innocent until proven guilty" posturing? And then living with the guilt of having gotten him off on a technicality only to see him kill again?  (I guess it falls into the “tough job but somebody’s gotta do it” category.)
• Faded Phrases:  "Fill ‘er up and check the oil.” "Give me a carbon copy." "You sound like a broken record." 
• As someone who has been in a Starbucks only once, I'm wondering where this term "barista" came from?  Talk about glorification of the mundane!  Aren't these coffee-mixers/pourers the modern-day equivalent of the so-called drug store soda jerks"?  Just as "Human Rights counselors" used to be "personnel clerks."  (I'm just sayin'.)
• Next time a waiter asks if you want "ground pepper on your salad," tell him, "No, but powdered saffron would be nice, thank you!"
• 99.99 percent of all castles in America are located in fish tanks."--Demetri Martin
• I'll believe in the Ride-Sharing Program when the president's or governor’s limos start participating.
• Did you know that composer Burt Bacharach’s father was a syndicated columnist (Bert Bacharach) who regularly listed the Sandwich Favorites of the Stars?  Red Skelton’s was herring on whole wheat with hollandaise sauce . . . or something like that. 
• (I’m not a star, but one of my favorites—inherited from my father—is tomato and peanut butter on fresh white bread.  With premium farmer’s market tomatoes and a touch of salt, it is very tasty and reasonably nutritious, not to mention economical.  It’s funny, but after you describe your offbeat sandwich favorite, someone will inevitably make a face . . . and then proceed to name and describe their equally or even more cringeworthy fave.  Never fails.)
• Accordingly, herewith Today's Latin Lesson: Quisquis no vestri navis. ("Whatever floats your boat.")

Special thanks to Rosetta Stone, this month’s Popcorn intern.