POPCORN

                                                                   By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 

and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• Never join a club that requires you to use a secret handshake.
• As I’m writing this, I have the TV on in the background (CNN) and am bombarded with ads for Ozempic, Jardiance, Olestra, Dupixent, Humira, Tepezza, Rinvoq, Rybelsus and Skyrizi.  The Wide World of Big Pharma. RUN AMOK!  (“Ask your doctor if watching Anderson Cooper is right for you!”)
• Does AC have two last names, two first names, or one of each, with the last name first?  Discuss!
• Speaking of drugs, I don't care what anyone says--we didn't have male-enhancement ads in prime time when Mister Rogers was alive!
• You didn't hear it from me, but I understand "Saddam Hussein’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" is coming out soon on DVD.
• In my training as a journalist, I was taught to avoid the cliched, the hackneyed, the pedestrian, the predictable idioms, the vacuous locutions (empty statements). The Chicago Tribune Stylebook (a Manual for Writers and Editors) admonished us “to avoid faddish jargon.”
• Doesn’t it often sound that we’re now living in a world of cliches, tech talk, lame redundancies (“price point”), shopworn phrases and buzz words more than ever?  With that in mind, I crafted the following:
• Life ain't easy these days.  Not when the movers and shakers keep moving the goal posts instead of leveling the playing field, while the rest of us have to have a multitask mind-set while fighting a never-ending learning curve, even if we’re texting or offline.  So all you can do is hit the ground running, play hardball when you have to step up to the plate, and at the end of the day, pick all the low-hanging fruit. That’s the bottom line!
• Let's face it, the fat cats have us on an emotional roller-coaster, no matter how much they try to downsize the elephant in the room. It’s a jungle out there! So cut to the chase, and before the whole ball of wax reaches critical mass, we'll take stock of the benchmarks and the Big Picture and come to the realization that we must all go back to the drawing board  before we’re hacked or have a meltdown.  It is what it is.  
• Inflation strikes the bowling alley--and spares no one! Alex Yenni, who lives in the Bay Area, told The Wall Street Journal he was quoted $419 to bowl for two hours with his son at an alley in Petaluma, Calif. It was during winter break--an especially busy time. 
• Why are veterinarians so-called?  Shouldn't we call them peterinarians?
• (One of the great injustices of life is the relatively short lifespan of our pets.  They’re so loyal, loving and dependable, yet the show closes all too soon.)
• What is your favorite Labor of Hercules?  For me, it's hard to beat Number Seven (of the Twelve): "Capture the Cretan Bull."
• This savage bull, kept by King Minos of Crete, was said to be insane and breathe fire. Hercules wrestled the mad beast to the ground and brought it back to King Eurystheus. Unfortunately, the king set it free, and it roamed Greece, causing terror wherever it went.
• (Any free-associative thoughts you may have had of Donald Trump/Ron DeSantis/Tucker Carlson/Marjorie Taylor Green/Laura Ingraham or Kim Jong-un are purely coincidental.)
• About those new baseball rules, mainly the pitch clock:
• The best way to shorten games that many say are "too long":  No more unlimited foul balls.  After the second strike is established (no matter if by swinging strike, called strike or foul ball), the batter would be allowed two foul balls.  The third?  You're outta there—grab some bench!  No more 15-pitch at-bats!
• Shouldn’t "Going out of business" sales be called Grand Closings?
• I just switched over to MSNBC and heard about Cabenuva, Kerendia, Farxiga, Tremfya, Kisqali and Stelara and felt like I should have been wearing a white lab coat--it seemed appropriate. I’m sure all drugs just named are very affordable. (“Ask your financial advisor if any of these overhyped nostrums are right for you.”).  
• It's weird, the food-related names that are part of our computer universe: Spam, hash (as in hash tag), menu . . . .  But where did the ubiquitous "glitch" come from?   (Not sure I'd eat it, even if it existed. Glitch on a shingle?)
• I have only some of my computer files stored in the so-called cloud, so you could say I'm only partly cloudy.
• Food-product icons who never existed:  Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth and Mr. Coffee. (Betty Crocker was not a real person, either.  Unfortunately, Martha Stewart is.)
• Think how much nicer driving would be--and how light the traffic--if the only people on the road were those with valid driver's licenses, proof of insurance, their tires properly inflated and their seat belts on.  (And their cell phones in their pockets.) 
• Still more of jimjustsaying's Words You See in Print But Never Ever Hear an Actual Person Use in Real Life:  Turpitude, wizened and bereft.
• Where phrases originated:  "By the skin of one's teeth" (Job XIX, verse 20); "Through thick and thin" (Chaucer's "The Reeves Tale") and "Raining cats and dogs" (Jonathan Swift's "Polite Conversation").
• Bumper sticker:  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Why do stores with double doors always have one of them locked? (Answer:  To make it harder for thieves to make a quick exit, but it's irritating nonetheless to the vast majority—honest paying customers.)
• Leader in the clubhouse for Closed-Captioning Gaffe of the Year, CBS News, March 19:  "Debt nation" rendered onscreen as "detonation."  
• Inside the infomercial:
• Producers have to find a reliable factory, get them a mold or drawings, and hire a fulfillment facility, a telemarketer to take orders and a media buyer to purchase airtime. Then there's packaging, shipping, returns, customer service, an Internet storefront and more. A product that sells for $20 usually costs $2-$3 wholesale. After overhead costs, the hope is to squeeze out a $4-$5 profit, NBC News reports.
• This just in: It wasn’t long into the next hour’s viewing that I discovered the wonders of Biktarvy, Trintellix, Prevagen and Linzess.  And I’m sure this doesn’t constitute an all-inclusive list. (And who comes up with these NAMES?)  Sorry for the interruption.
• I feel sorry for any woman married to a man who would say, "We're pregnant."
• Corporate logic:  A fast-food chain (Arby’s) switched all their TVs from CNN to another channel because of complaints about a steady diet of depressing news stories. Yes, The Weather Channel is a much better choice, with all those pleasant hurricane, blizzard, wildfire, tsunami stories and other disaster porn footage that constitute their constant fare.
• Sad commentary on today’s world:  How do we describe a person who has achieved great fame or prominence in our society?  As a statesman?  As a great humanitarian?  No--as a rock star!  "Bill Clinton has achieved rock-star status. . . ."  (I know he did the sex part of it, but trashing hotel rooms?  Probably not.)
• Why are prosecutors' feet rarely held to the fire when DNA exonerates a wrongfully imprisoned man?
• According to a Wall St. Journal story, they enjoy broad immunity from civil suits and a measure of professional courtesy that discourages defense lawyers and judges from filing complaints, attorneys said.
• That is as it should be, said Scott Burns, executive director of the National District Attorneys Association. If prosecutors could easily be sued or sanctioned in the rare instance of a mistake, he said, "They may then err on the side of caution in bringing charges, to the detriment of society." 
• (Does that sound as self-serving to you as it does to me? And I think the mistakes aren't that rare, either.)
• We all know about that strange species known as Civil War Re-enactors.  World War II Re-enactors? Vietnam War Re-enactors?  Thanks God modern warfare precludes such idiocy.
• Sorry—have to break in again.  Just learned about the wonders of Mounjara, Dovato and Paxlovid.  Can’t take much more of this!
• He said it: "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.  He's not dead--he’s just very condescending."--Jack Whitehall
• She said it: “When you’re 16, 30 seems ancient. When you’re 30, 45 seems ancient. When you’re 45, 60 seems ancient. When you’re 60, nothing seems ancient.”— Helen Mirren
• Memo to media (print, especially):  Just say "bar" or "tavern." "Watering hole" wasn't all that clever to begin with and has been overused to an irritating extent.  And not that many people order a round of water!  
• I wonder how many people have text-messaged while having surgery under local anesthetic?  Don’t laugh; somebody’s probably doing it right this very moment.  (Send me a tweet from the surgical suite.)
• From a New York Post story on the unwelcome influx of wealthy New Yorkers in Palm Beach, Fla.:
• “Household staff is in such short supply that brazen newcomers are making tempting offers to employees already engaged--even approaching people strolling in baby carriages on the street. “Nanny poaching is alive and well,” said a local columnist.
• Nanny poaching!  Who knew?  But that’s not the only irritant in Geezer Land: it’s the traffic the Big Apple-ites have brought.
• “Yesterday it took me 30 minutes just to cross the bridge--and what’s with all the horn honking?” a resident asked of New Yorkers who drive like they’re still in the city.  Ahh, Noo Yawk:  The city that never sleeps and people who think it’s all about them.
• New Rule of Thumb: The tackier and more annoying the ringtone, the more slovenly dressed the user.  (Not to mention the number of tattoos.)
• Psst! Have you heard about the marvels of Trelegy,  Catyla,Ozempic and Verzenio?  I just did. Time to turn the TV off. (As Ed Grimley would say: “Gimme a Huge Break!!!”)  Click.
• I've been known to wear sports teams’ shirts (Chicago Cubs, Bears, UW), but I draw the line at wearing shirts with players' names on them.  I'm not an athlete impersonator, and I don't think I'm fooling anyone if "12 Rodgers" is plastered across my back.  I'm a fan, not a wanna-be.  And these guys are lionized way out of proportion to their value to society, so they don’t need my royalty money or my validation.
• Overheard: "Older people shouldn't eat health food; we need all the preservatives we can get!"
• DRUDGING AROUND:  Pregnant inmate seeks release because fetus innocent . . . Electric vehicle owners get candid about charging nightmares . . . Medieval medicine:  A return to maggots, leeches to treat ailments . . . Voice deep fakes of everyone from Joe Rogan to Joe Biden taking over social media . . . Cheating in college now the norm . . . Tijuana sewage in air over San Diego . . . Cleveland rabbi sentenced to prison for soliciting underage sex . . . Are robots a threat to real estate agents? . . . Scientists reveal hidden corridor in Great Pyramid of Giza . . . You can now live on a cruise ship for $30,000 a year . . . Lab delivers motherless mice with two fathers! . . . Catholic group spent millions on app data tracking gay priests . . . Mystery goats go on rampage through streets . . . March Madness vasectomies soar . . . Massive, messy mounds of seaweed coming soon to Florida beaches . . . Gym bros eating dog food for protein . . . Doggy mansions and Tiffany bowls: Lifestyles of rich and famous pets . . . Man stabs wife to death at Bible study . . . Cops:  Florida man slapped wife in face with slice of pizza . . .  Philly to PAY women to get pregnant . . . University hosting separate graduations for race, sexuality . . . Brazen monkey kidnaps puppy on busy street . . . Paganisn on rise . . . Oldest working drag queen dies at 92 . . . Louisiana city worker fired, arrested after peeing in city’s drinking water supply!  (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)
• jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that there are 73 McDonald’s in Paris?  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but it’s here if you need it.)
• Speaking of McDonald’s, what part of supplying supersize straws to go with your supersize drinks don't they understand? (One size doesn’t fit all in many cases, especially this one.)
• Did you know that in Illinois, the city named Paris is pronounced PARRis?  And that the Illinois city named Milan is pronounced Mylan?  Guess they don’t want to be confused with those grubby Europeans. Just as the Wisconsin town of Rio Creek is pronounced RYE-o Creek overbydere.  (“We don’t want to be associated with those—you know—brown people.”)
• Dog breeds I saw advertised in classified ads recently: Cavapoos, BichonPoos, Maltipoos, Havanese, Merle Yorkie Bear, Shipoos. Whatever happened to cocker spaniels--are they extinct or just not trendy enough?  Pets aren’t pets anymore; apparently they’re status symbols or fashion statements.  (And who know, maybe tax deductions. It’s really getting out of hand.)
• Latest addition to the Endangered Species list, Human Division:  Customers.  Now we're all "guests."  And of course. there are no more clerks--they're now "associates."  I'm sure that makes them feel much better about their minimum-wage compensation, erratic scheduling and absence of benefits.
• Three TV shows I never watch:  "Project Runway," "Total Divas," and "Babe Winkelman's Outdoor Secrets."
• I’ve known several people who were from or now live in Rhode Island (“smallest of the 48”) but never a single soul from New Hampshire.  In fact, I’ve met people from India, Pakistan and Australia and many other countries but not one soul from “The Granite State.” (Did the last person out of there turn out the lights?)
• Somebody broke into my house the other day and left their Brewers season tickets!
• If you think that Cole Porter, George Gershwin, Henry Mancini, Lennon-McCartney or Simon and Garfunkel are the most-heard composers of all time, you’re mistaken.  It's Mike Post. 
• That's because he wrote the themes to "Law and Order," "Hill Street Blues," "NYPD Blue," "The Rockford Files," "L.A. Law," "The White Shadow," "The Phil Donahue Show," "Wiseguy," "Hunter" and others.  Every time one of those shows airs, he hits 10 million or more listeners at once; it's very hard for any songwriter to equal that with radio/jukebox exposure.
• (If Post had a rival, it could be Eliot Daniel.  He wrote the theme for "I Love Lucy."  Think how many times THAT compositional masterpiece been heard around the world!)
• Did you know that Paul Anka wrote the theme for Johnny Carson’s “Tonight” Show? But who is listed as “co-composer”?  Johnny Carson! JC didn’t write not a single note, according to insiders, but got a royalty every time the theme was played.  Must have really needed the money.
• More music, Movie Division: Diminished chords create a mood of unease, according to film composer Michael Giacchino ("Mission Impossible III," "Ghost Protocol," "Alias").  For all you young composers out there, Giacchino generally begins in the key of A minor.  And, according to David Arnold--who scored five James Bond films, among others--silence is the key to creating tension. "Part of the secret is knowing when to not do anything."
• I consider myself the poor man's Joe Piscopo of “Saturday Night Live” fame. My best impression is Frank Sinatra Jr!
• Oxymoron of the week: Political science.
• Speaking of politics: If queried by a pollster, ask whom the pollster is voting for.  And if he or she won’t tell you (which they won’t), return the favor.
• The number:  12 tons.  The meaning:  The amount of feces left on Mt. Everest each year, according to a recent report by Grinnell College.   Not to mention, The Week reports, an estimated 50 tons of garbage—from broken tent frames to used oxygen canisters to food wrappers—that are strewn along the route up the mountain, along with many of the frozen, half-buried corpses of the more than 200 climbers who have perished attempting the ascent. Little wonder the mountain has earned the nickname "World’s Highest Garbage Dump."
• Nothing brings out the hypocrisy in people like property taxes.  They'll sit on a bar stool and brag, "We bought our house for $59,900 in 1964 . . . and now it's appraised at $284,500, yukyukyuk, heeheehee, hawhawhaw . . .!"  
• But mention a possible $450 increase in their annual property tax (for such frivolities as schools or infrastructure improvement), and they start sputtering epithets and spitting nails. 
• Redundancy patrol:  "Sudden urge,'' "soothing balm," "specific example."
• Door County, Wisconsin’s sister city is Jingdezhen, China.  I wonder if they sell live bait and cheese curds over there? Yeah, hey!  (Friday night squid fry?)
• Another sign of the stressed-out economy:  Parking lots that are about 10 years overdue for re-striping of parking-space boundaries.  I guess that gives goofballs a readymade excuse for taking up two parking spaces--if in fact there ARE parking spaces.  Some lots are basically just one open blacktop range.
• What's the difference between a buff, an enthusiast and an aficionado? 
• Go Figure Departmentt:  According to various sources, Marlon Brando was a longtime close friend of Michael Jackson's and paid regular visits to his Neverland Ranch, resting there for weeks at a time.  (No truth to the rumor that Robert De Niro hangs out at Pee-Wee Herman's Playhouse between films.)
• jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Eastroturf”:  The artificial grass in Easter baskets.—“More Sniglets,” Rich Hall and Friends.
• Did you know that the "Captain" of the Captain &Tennille--real name Daryl Dragon--was the keyboard player for The Beach Boys?
• Actual error message, courtesy of PC World magazine, from the site StartSampling.Com:  "Sorry for the incontinence, but an error has occurred."
• Mailing lists are like roller coasters--it's far easier to get on one than off  one.
• jimjustsaying’s Book Title of the Month:  "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Eating Well with IBS," by Kate Scarlata, R.D., L.D.N. (Wow.  As if having Irritable Bowel Syndrome isn't bad enough, some folks have idiocy to contend with as well.  My sympathies.)
• "Hey, ladies, how about some truth in advertising while you are wearing those shorts with cute sayings like 'Juicy' and 'Yummy.' Was Wal-Mart out of 'Skanky' and 'Chubby'?"--The Vent (AJC.com)
• People who drive with their dogs on their laps are in dire need of emergency counseling (if not deportation).
• We’re reading a lot these days about what can or can’t be taught in schools and who can use which bathroom but largely unreported:  the scandalously abysmal physical condition of many school buildings, many or most of them in communities that were once white but now aren’t.  Some are more than 100 years old and can’t get renovation/rebuilding funding due to the “black tax,” the much higher interest rate banks charge in some areas.  Meanwhile, there’s an impressive, new state-of-the art $100 million school in a white neighborhood just a few miles away while minorities are stuck in structures awaiting the wrecking ball.
• The true crime television pandemic continues apace: On the heels of the long-running and apparently popular “Cops” years later came “Cop’s Reloaded.”  Then there was born the often-comical “Jail” series (featuring various cities per episode, my favorite being “Jail: Las Vegas.”) 
• 
  
• But these producers have now discovered an even more intriguing manifestation of this gamy pantheon: The “Calls from the Inside” series. It’s basically a true-crime show with a unique twist: Interspersed with footage and depiction of the crime du jour and interviews with victims, et al., are revealing (and often highly amusing) actual secretly recorded phone calls between inmates and spouses, lawyers or sometimes fellow thugs who aren’t yet (but soon may also be) in the Big House themselves. Common are pleas to make witnesses “disappear.”

• For ease of understanding, the content of the calls is captioned on screen. Apparently, many perps who might have beaten the proverbial rap sealed their convictions with their loose lips. Most amusing: Despite the inmates’ knowing full well that the calls are recorded, incriminating statements still slip out. It’s almost Must-Hear TV.
• 
  
• Hit “Print” for dinner?
• 3D-printing technology is making its way into kitchens. The results don't look super appetizing--but a lot more 3D-printed food could be in our future, Axios' Ayurella Horn-Muller reports.
• Several European restaurants and butchers are offering 3D-printed "meat" cuts made from soy protein and chickpeas. They're manufactured by the startup Redefine Meat.
• An L.A.-based digital bakery 3D prints candy. A Columbia University lab just revealed a seven-ingredient 3D-printed slice of cheesecake. And the Pentagon is exploring 3D-printed meal bars that enhance soldiers' performance.
• How it works: 3D-printed food is made through an additive manufacturing process similar to standard 3D printing--except it's done using edible materials. Food paste is then forced out of a syringe nozzle.
• The likely timeline for mass adoption of 3D food printing is at least several years away.
• "Software is starting to invade our kitchens," said Jonathan Blutinger, a postdoctoral researcher at Columbia University who co-authored a paper on 3D cooking released last month. "And once software touches an industry, we don't tend to look back.”
• What's next? 3D-printed food could help alleviate hunger by supplying essential nutrients to those without access to fresh, whole food.
• The Wide World of jimjustsaying.com: As I write this, I take a moment to check my Statcounter software and see that I have a visitor from Blitar, Jawa Timur, Indonesia. Whoever it is, is reading my March 2, 2011, Popcorn column on an Apple IPhone and a Chrome browser, IP Address of 103.141.108.23. I hope he or she likes it. (The day before there was a visitor from Vancouver, British Columbia. So far, 65 countries have looked in at one time or another.)
• jimjustsaying’s Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Mimpsy.” As in Marion “Mimpsy” L. Orlock, Door County Daily News, Feb. 22, 2023. R.I.P., “Mimpsy.”
• Periodic disclaimer: Always remember that I don’t always agree with everything I say.
• Today's Latin lesson: Vos can dico de homine suo, consectetuer adipiscing elit. (You can tell a lot about a person by his or her ring tone.)
  
  Special thanks to Sue Falls, this month’s Popcorn intern.