By Jim Szantor
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations
about the absurdities of contemporary life
What was the greatest thing before sliced
bread?
Holiday note: “Always remember--George
Washington’s brothers were the Uncles of Our Country.”—George Carlin
Overheard: "When AT&T calls, I
tell them I work for Verizon. And when Verizon calls, I tell them I work
for AT&T."
Overheard II: "I went to a TGIF
party. It was BYOB, and I had enough VO and JB to send me to AA with the
DT's!"
One problem with home schooling: No
yearbook!
Which is more oxymoronic—government ethics or
military intelligence? Discuss!
jimjustsaying’s
Invention That Doesn’t Exist But Should: The TV Taser, a handheld device that
would administer painful electric shocks to any irritating figure in the news,
the My Pillow Guy or any member of the Kardashian family.
Four good names for French restaurants that are
going to waste: Le Indifference. Le Extravagance. Le
Exorbitant. Le Snoberrie.
“Foster has 19 homers. One more and he’ll be in double
figures!"—Jerry Coleman, former Yankees infielder mostly known for his broadcast
gaffes.
More Coleman: “Winfield leaps up, and his head
hits the wall. It’s rolling toward the
infield!”
Headline: “[Aaron] Rodgers says psychedelics
helped his NFL career.”
(Translation: It made him forget
he was spending about half of his year in Wisconsin.)
My favorite line from the works of Ring
Lardner: “Shut up, he explained.”
If Andy Warhol were still around, he'd probably
revise his "15 minutes of fame" prediction to "Just about
everyone will eventually be voted into a Hall of Fame of some
kind."
Somewhere there is probably (or soon will be) a
Bowling Alley Pinsetters Hall of Fame, a Curtain Rod Designers Hall of Fame
and, eventually, an Underwear Purchasers Hall of Fame. (I’m under
consideration and keeping my fingers crossed!)
Enough! I'd like to see a moratorium on
establishing these dubious, who-gives-a-bleep "Halls of Fame."
They're probably a vestige, writ larger, of the "Every soccer player gets
a trophy" syndrome that has infected and debased the country in the last
20 years.
I brought “a dish to pass” to the church
potluck supper—nothing on it, just the dish!
(Next time I’ll know better.)
jimjustsaying’s Law of Character
Assessment: The lower one’s educational
level (or IQ) or the lower the level of sophistication, the more likely that
person is to utter “Ya got that right!” in response to virtually any
utterance. (“Nice to finally get some
rain.” “Ya got that right!”).
One is often tempted to respond with: “I got
something right? Wow! Do I get an award
or something? And who anointed you as the exalted arbiter and bestower of such
approbation? Whatever the case, I’ll
treasure forever the memory of your crudely expressed approval. I have arrived!!!”
Do animals get their blood pressure taken? Is it possible to do that? Is it a “silent killer” for them, too?
Fun with Latin:
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
What's in a Name/Nomenclature Disconnect Dept.: There are few if any commercial entities that label themselves what they actually are and what people actually call them.
Therefore, there are no "grocery stores," "convenience stores" or "pool halls" but rather "SuperCenters," "Q-Marts" and "Billiard Parlors." (Kudos to Ace Hardware, which apparently never got--or choose to ignore--the memo.)
Speaking of stores . . . Clerk: “Did you find everything you were
looking for?” Me: “You mean you didn’t
recognize the Poster Boy for Impulse Purchases?”
You can tell a new product has arrived when
chain or discount stores start offering their own versions of it. Now who doesn’t have their very own
Mega-Krill Oil?
And who started this business of asking for
charitable donations at the checkout counter? Do the stores get a tax
break for doing this? Hard to consider something "good PR" when
it irritates/intimidates the customers, who feel compelled to either contribute
or be considered heartless, craven cheapskates!
"Metaphysics is a restaurant where they
give you a 30,000-page menu and no food."--Robert M. Pirsig, author of
“Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ (a Popcorn author’s favorite and
highly recommended).
I love—and collect--foreign words with no
English equivalent. One of my favorites:
“Tartle,” a Scots word that defines the hesitation shown in trying to remember
someone’s name when trying to make an introduction.
What makes the word so special is that it
doesn’t apply when you forget the person’s name entirely--it exists only to
encapsulate the brief awkwardness while you rummage around your brain for the
answer. (We’ve all been there, most
likely.)
Closely related: jimjustsaying’s Word
That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Phonesia.” n. The affliction of dialing a
phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as soon as that person
answers.--"Sniglets," by Rich Hall and Friends
Fortune Cookie of the Month: "One
must dare to be himself, however frightening or strange that self may prove to
be."
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Would a veterinarian who specializes in elephants be called a pachydermatologist? Who knew? “Zelda, Breath of the Wild” is one of the best-selling
console games of all time, with nearly 30 million copies sold and
counting. PC, Boudoir Division (and not making this up): The Houston
Association of Realtors has retired the terms “master bedroom” and “master
bathroom” because of potential slavery connotations, according to news
reports. The terms “primary bedroom” and “primary bathroom” will be used
instead. “The consensus,” said the association, “was that ‘primary’ describes
the rooms equally as well as ‘master’ while avoiding any possible
misperceptions.” Of all the artworks represented in my collection, I would really
hate to lose Lautrec. |
Writing about music is like dancing about
architecture.
He said it: “The most authentic thing about us
. . . is our capacity to be greater than our suffering."--Nigerian poet Ben Okri
jimjustsaying’s
Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Squeaky.” As in, Milledge
“Squeaky” Jackson, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, May 3, 2023. R.I.P., “Squeaky.”
A few years ago, a friend and his wife were
thinking of buying a motel in the North Woods from a couple who wanted to
retire. They were told it was okay to
change the name, so I was asked for suggestions. I offered ten of them:
10.
Doze Inn
9. Slumber Party
8. The iPillow Pod
7. No-Wake Zone
6. Norm & Norma’s Cut-Rate Sleeping Bag
5. No-Roach Motel
4. Mattress Mambo Inn
3. It Izzzz what it Izzzz
2. Snooze Break
. . . and their favorite and mine:
FORTY WINKS PLUS TAX!
jimjustsaying’s Food
Fun Fact of the month: Cottage cheese is experiencing a trendy revitalization
thanks to recipes popularized on Instagram and TikTok--news reports.
Recipes such as cottage cheese ice
cream and toast are getting younger generations interested in
the product again. It's also gaining momentum as a health food rather than
a diet fad because it's an inexpensive way to get lean protein.
jimjustsaying’s Most
Annoying Mispronunciation of the Month (Year?): “inaresting.” There is no
“a” in “interesting.’ Probably most often mispronounced by the people who
pronounce the “t” in “often.” Where did these people go to school?
Or did they?
Commerce Marches On: The humble and familiar
barcode-- a staple on consumer packaging for nearly 50 years--will soon be
replaced with a more robust and muscular successor that offers far more
information about the product inside.
The new "2D" barcodes will
unlock reams of online extras (for consumers) and revolutionize inventory
management (for retailers). Scanning them may tell us the field where something
was grown, the factory where a garment was sewn, the sustainability practices
of the company that made it--or the washing instructions.
Morning in America: From the upcoming “Barbie” movie to a purple
McDonald’s milkshake honoring the 52d birthday of Grimace (whoever that is!),
throwback products and entertainment are huge this summer, Axios reports.
It seems that the GenZ’ers and millennials—whom
marketers call “kidults”—are indulging in everything and anything that reminds
them of their childhood. Such juvenile
fare as “Teenage Mutant Turtles,” “Transformers” and “Indiana Jones” are on tap
this summer. And Barbie dolls and Big
Wheels are said to be “flying off the shelves.”
(So if you’re out shopping this summer, Mr. Popcorn
advises you to wear protective headgear lest you be struck by any of these
“flying” items.)
“You can’t blame the President for everything
that’s wrong with this country. That’s like blaming Ronald McDonald for a bad
hamburger!”—Bobcat Goldthwait
More Bobcat: “That movie was so bad I can’t
believe I wasn’t in it!”
People always say bad news (or celebrity
deaths) “always comes in threes”—but they never define the time limit. If two
celebrities die tomorrow . . . and the third one dies a month from now, does
that count as the third? (That is yet
another common belief that doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Personally, I like to take my bad news one at
a time.)
When is the last time you saw one of those
iconic Rockwellian institutions—the child-operated curbside lemonade
stand? (If any still exist, they are
probably in the whitest of suburbs with a brigade of helicopter parents helicoptering.)
In addition to the almighty “right to bear
arms,” I think some people hold as dearly “the right to bear grudges.”
He said it: “The worst winter I ever endured
was a summer in San Francisco.”—Mark Twain
She said it: “[Donald] Trump is feral, focused
on his own survival, with no sense of shame or boundaries or restraint.”--Maureen
Dowd, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist of the New York Times, June 18, 2023
Mo (as intimates call her) goes on to quote my
former Chicago Tribune colleague David Axelrod, who was Barack Obama’s first
senior adviser (and host of CNN’s “The Axe Files). Quoth David: “In that sense, being a sociopath really works
for him.” (Indeed it does!)
Who Knew Department: When friends told us they had just acquired a
Miniature Schnauzer, I jokingly wondered aloud if there were Giant
Schnauzers.
It turns out there are: Giant Schnauzers, Wikipedia informs us—and
“schnauzer is German for “snout,” which you undoubtedly suspected—stand about 2
feet at the shoulder and can weight up to 80 pounds. Historically, they helped
herd cattle and were used as guard dogs at breweriesI (Who else would tell
you these things?)
Redundancy Patrol: “Enter into,” barred out
of,” “for free.”
Where the visual arts and music diverge:
No one leaves an art gallery humming a painting
or a Broadway musical humming the set design.
But people ask for favorite songs to be played at their “celebrations of
life,” events at which framed artworks or favorite books are seldom if ever on
display. And people say, “They’re
playing our song,” never, “They’re showing our painting.”
In addition, the visual arts world routinely
tops the arts police blotter, with regular reports of thefts, fakes, phony tax
write-offs and other infractions. When
is the last time there was a scandal in, say, classical music? Opera?
Dance?
Music rules, folks! Long after folks have forgotten there was a
movie titled “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” they’ll still be hearing or humming “Moon
River.” (Thank you, Henry Mancini!)
Whatever happened to Chris (“Hardball”) Matthews?
Three things unlikely to occur or be seen: Your money cheerfully refunded, potholes
instantly repaired or a Rhodes Scholar with tattoos.
Every time I see a package of warm pork chops
next to the canned goods in the grocery store, my faith in humanity—can it get
any lower?—slips another notch. (Curmudgeon
or realist—you can call me either one. But if I change my mind about an item, I
put it back where it came from.)
From the Kenosha News, June 24: “The fatal shooting that occurred in the parking lot
of an Uptown church last
week was likely sparked by a drug deal gone wrong.”
Gone wrong? As
opposed to all those good drug deals, the ones with the Vatican Seal of
Approval, the ones in which no one gets shot but someone is still shooting
poison into their veins with money they should be spending on necessities or
with money they may have stolen?
Those, I
suppose, are the drug deals gone right. But the police keep saying those words
year after year! All due respect, but no
Rhodes Scholars among the men in blue.
“The worst time
to have a heart attack is during a game of charades!”—Demetri Martin
DRUDGING AROUND: One-legged crime boss on run for years is
captured . . . She sued neighbor to stop smoking marijuana and won . . . “Greedflation”
as companies raise prices for higher profits . . . “Anne Frank pornography”
being banned in FL, TX schools . . . Harvard morgue manager charged with
selling body parts . . . Swollen eyes, hunchbacked, clawlike hands: What the remote worker will look like in 70
years . . . San Francisco supermarket installs metal exit gates to deter
shoplifters . . . Nature gone mad?
Eagles kidnap baby hawk twins; kill one, raise another . . . Scientology
worker sues after she was forced to marry abuser . . . “Goyim Defense League” based
in Florida. (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)
jimjustsaying’s Media
Word of the Month (a word you never hear a person use in everyday life):
Foment/fomenting.
The Tired Rhetorical Device That Will Not Die:
“That sound you heard was the gnashing of thousands of GOP power-brokers’
teeth.”—William Kristol, Weekly Standard.com.
(Did you hear anything?
Neither did I!)
Today’s Latin Lesson: Illic
nunquam a formo muneris inter ut vos postulo unus. ("There's never a fashion policeman
around when you need one.")
Special thanks to Hugh Briss, this month’s Popcorn intern.
