By Jim Szantor
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life
I was a teenage forensic
blood-splatter expert.
Why is the Mute
button always in a different place on every remote control?
“The murals in
restaurants are usually on a par with the food in art galleries.”--Peter
DeVries
Wedding Gift
Registries 2023:
With the cost of
buying a home at historic highs, more couples are asking for help with a
down payment as a wedding gift, Axios' Shauneen Miranda writes. (Slap forehead here!)
The share of couples
who include "home funds" in their wedding registry has increased by
55% since 2018, according to the wedding planning and registry website The
Knot. (Get the feeling that the sales of air fryers just started to drop?)
Bumper
sticker: “Lawyers have feelings, too.
Allegedly.”
“Everything is about to change faster
than many want or feel capable of matching. All of us will need to grow more
comfortable with an up-tempo, improvisational dimension to work and life.”—Sam
Altman, CEO and co-founder of OpenAI.
(The world is moving so fast these days, very few people can
remember more than three sex scandals ago.)
Being
retired and someone who doesn’t operate heavy machinery, I have no interest in
those cold and flu remedies touted as a “New Non-drowsy Formula.” When I’m hacking, retching, sweating,
chilling, hurting, heaving, sneezing and wheezing, drowsy is good; I crave
drowsy. So forget your new non-drowsy
formula, drug manufacturers; where’s the “three-day-coma,
wake-me-when-it’s-over formula”? That’s
what I want.
jimjustsaying’s Air Freshener Scent of the Month: Poo-Pouri. Runner-up: Serene Vanilla Sunrise. (I’m just going by
the names; I have no idea what they smell like . . . and not sure I want to
know.)
Now that I'm
finally getting comfortable in my own skin, it's getting more wrinkled by the
day.
jimjustsaying's Coinage of the Month: Mediarrhea. n. The
unending onslaught of news stories (and instant updates of same), op-ed
columns, interesting news and feature stories, magazine articles, talk-show
jokes, movies, "webisodes," webinars, albums, books, web comics,
podcasts, video games, and whatever else spews forth from Twitter/X feeds,
Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit AMA, You Tube and myriad other stuff like click-bait that
no one can possibly keep up with.
Three bad ideas
for a business: Just Cuff Links, Just Cummerbunds, Just Shoelaces.
"Breeds"
of Dogs I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw Them Listed in a Newspaper Ad:
the Affenpoo (half poodle and half Affenpinscher), the Pomachon (a mix of
the Pomeranian and the Bichon Frise) and the Whoodle (a cross between the
soft-coated Wheaten terrier and the poodle).
Speaking of
animals: "They’re all home-grown coyotes, all born and bred in
Chicago.”--A wildlife biologist on the growing numbers of that particular
animal downtown.
jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the
Month: Umbilinkus. n. The tiny
appendage at the end of a link sausage.--"More Sniglets," Rich Hall
& Friends
I know a guy so
bored he reads all his Junk Mail word for word.
jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Week: "Say
[partygoer’s name here], did you know that every 1-cent increase in the cost a
gallon of gas takes $1 billion of consumer spending away from other goods in
the course of a year, according to Credit Suisse bank analysis?" (Kind
of hard to work into a conversation, but it’s here if you need it.)
“The shortest
version of Jewish history goes like this: They tried to kill us, we survived,
let’s eat!”—Dr. Henry Abramson on YouTube
Pop Culture Quiz
I: What do ABBA, Paul Anka, Jimmy Buffett, Patsy Cline, Creedence Clearwater
Revival, Dion, the Drifters, Hall & Oates, Jefferson Airplane, Journey,
Moody Blues, Steve Miller Band, the O'Jays, Buck Owens, Jim Reeves, the
Righteous Brothers, the Ventures and Bobby Vinton have in common?
Answer:
Despite their scores of hits--some of them megahits--none of these artists or
groups ever won a Grammy, according to Mr. Music (aka Jerry Osborne).
Pop Culture Quiz
II: What do Steve Allen, Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Lenny Bruce, actor Robert
Pastorelli and mega-producer Don Simpson all have in common? Answer: They
all died on the toilet.
“Lord, give me
chastity and self-control--but not yet.”—St. Augustine
jimjustsaying’s winter book-reading suggestions:
"The Ultimate Guide to Butchering Deer," by John Weiss; and “The
Wisconsin Road Guide to Gangster Hot Spots," by Chad Lewis. (So many
must-reads, so little time! But you’ll thank me later.)
DRUDGING
AROUND: As antisemitism threat rises,
South Florida’s Jews arm themselves . . . Florida pastor accused of using belt
on students at private religious school . . . Alabama mayor kills self after
blog outs his cross-dressing . . . Author comes out as trans MAN after spouse
comes out as trans WOMAN . . . China’s animal lovers fight illegal cat meat
trade . . . Chicago so unpleasant that migrants are fleeing back to Venezuela .
. . 40% of Americans afraid to walk alone at night . . . Men benefit most from
looks, not women . . . Army invites back soldiers discharged for refusing vax .
. . Survey: 43% of Americans frequently
constipated . . . Hospital
guard had sex with 79-year-old woman in morgue freezer, cops charge . . . Half of companies to ax degree
requirements. (Thanks, as always, to
Matt Drudge and his intrepid band of aggregators.)
Attending an NBA
game could cost you a lot more this year — especially if you're a
Knicks fan, Axios' Analis Bailey writes.
A family of
four will spend, on average, $304.64 for four of the cheapest available
tickets, a parking spot, two beers, two sodas and four hot dogs.
New York Knicks
games are the priciest in the country at $745.18. Seeing the Charlotte
Hornets will cost $158.72.
Do people still
buy perfume or cologne? If so, why? All you have to do is subscribe
to a magazine or have a charge account at a department store, and you’ll get
all the scent products you want absolutely free. You don’t have to have a
perfume or cologne budget; all you need is a mailbox.
(What are you
wearing, dear? Is that Polo Musk? No, It’s Vanity Fair, September
issue!)
About political poll
accuracy (oxymoron?), now that we’re already ankle deep in that dreaded season:
Mitt Romney was
so sure he would be elected the nation’s 45th president in 2012 that he ordered
a fireworks display to be unleashed over Boston Harbor the moment he notched
his 270th electoral vote. Internal surveys gave him a consistent lead
over President Obama, and so did several outside pollsters, including venerable
Gallup
What went
wrong? Gallup’s post-mortem found it had misidentified likely voters,
under-counted Democratic-leaning regions, over-counted whites, and when
calling landlines dialed only listed numbers, which skewed older and
Republican.
All-time-great
howler from the Indianapolis Star (courtesy of the Columbia Journalism
Review): "Jazz tunes, including 'Modern Leaves’ and 'The Girl With
Emphysema,' ended at 8:30 p.m. when the jazz trio packed up."
What if some of
the horror film stars of yesteryear had had their own talk shows?
"It's Late Night with Bela Lugosi . . . ." (THE TIME SLOT HE
WAS BORN TO HAVE!)
Sample Lugosi monologue
joke . . . could have gone . . . something like this: “Whoa, it was so
hot in L.A. today, the bats flew INTO hell to cool off! Whew!”
"The sewer
expansion project is near completion, but city officials are holding their
breath until it is officially finished.--Jacksonville (Fla.) Times-Union, via
"Still More Press Boners," by Earle Tempel.
Message to Big
Pharma, whose latest obsession seems to be selling testosterone-boosting
products to any male over age 10: Aging is not a disease, it's a process.
If aging is a disease, then infancy is a disease.
It could be
argued that eating a hamburger with onions is—dare I say it?—an antisocial
act. My hamburger with tomato and pickles flies under the radar, even in
close quarters. Someone eating one loaded with onions in whatever
form? He or she is, in effect, broadcasting with appallingly broad
bandwidth, callously indifferent to the consequences!
jimjustsaying’s Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: Chum.
As in, LaVerne “Chum” O’Connor, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Sept. 3,
2023.
This
Christmas season I'm going to SEND a calendar to every insurance agent and
real-estate person I know (just to see if they have a sense of humor). Watch
this space for reports of reactions.
I've been on a
health kick, but maybe too much so. I
was looking for a decaffeinated coffee table.
jimjustsaying’s Semi-Risque Joke of the Month: Two young
lovers were messing around in the car. She asks “Would you like to get in the
back seat?” His response: “No, I’d rather stay up here with you.”
TODAY'S LATIN
LESSON: Oh meus Deus, quam did ut invado illic? ("Oh my God,
how did that get in there?")
Thanks to CLARK BARR, this
month’s Popcorn intern.
DECEMBER P
PERENNIAL CHRISTMAS TV
SPECIALS YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS
·
"Christmas With the Gingriches"
·
"Winnie the Pooh's Holiday Pot Party"
·
"Police Navidad" (“Cops” Holiday Documentary)
·
"Joey Buttafuoco's Last Incarcerated Christmas"
(encore presentation)
·
And last but not least:
· "Christopher Walken in a Winter Wonderland"
(Check your local listings for times and stations)
