POPCORN

                                    BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 

and whimsical observations about

 the absurdities of contemporary life

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--I was a teenage Chippendale dancer.

---What if they found out that an endangered animal was eating all the endangered plants?

--August is upon us once again--the only month without a holiday or special commemorative day of any sort.  (Go ahead, check your calendars.)  You won't find anything--no fringe holidays like President's Day, no "Hallmark holidays" like Mother's or Father's Days, no religious holidays, not even a Secretary's Day.

That's why August would be perfect for one of my pet projects--Turnabout Day (as in “turnabout is fair play”).

What would happen on Turnabout Day?  Simply this:  Sometime during the month—and you could pick your own day--your doctor would have to get naked in front of you . . . and your accountant and/or broker would have to show you his or her tax return! 

(The goal here is to correct the power imbalance endemic to those relationships: They know things about you that you don't know about them, hence the undeniably universal need for such an observance.) 

--Fish is the only food that smells spoiled even when it isn’t.

--As if energy drinks weren't enough, now I've spotted (at Walgreens) Rush High-Power Lip Balm.  With "caffeine, taurine and B-12."  What, no steroid deodorant?  No atomic nasal spray?  No nuclear-powered suppositories? Stay tuned.

(And now my wife calls my attention to Skin Renew, "the first 2-in-1 eye roller.  Refreshing eye care with caffeine.")

--Time to redraw some of the rules . . . or add some The Framers forgot?  Such as age limits for running for president (not addressed) and ending lifetime appointments to the Supreme Court? 

(The former is less of an issue now that Mr. Biden is stepping aside, but it could be another cause célèbre sometime in the future.)

--And then there’s voting, especially presidential elections. Find a person who doesn’t think it would be better to do it on a Sunday or make it a national holiday. If Martin Luther King Day and President’s Day are national holidays, why do we have to squeeze the most important quadrennial event into a workday?

All these practical ideas . . . that nobody really opposes . . . yet nothing is done.   Maddening.  And of course we’ll be phasing out the penny any day now—something that has been on the drawing board for at least 30 years.

--There’s no such thing as a “clean bill of health.”  Everybody’s got something. 

 --jimjustsaying’s lament about the migrant issue:  Total tab of the futile war with Afghanistan:  $213.3 BILLION.

 If the U.S. had spent half of that revamping Mexico and Central America, people would be trying to get INTO those countries instead of risking their lives to get out of them and there would be no border issue, no busloads of migrants causing turmoil for everyone from police to merchants to ordinary citizens in urban areas.   Thanks, political decisionmakers and the military/industrial complex!

--For baseball fans only: Tommy John should get a royalty every time "Tommy John surgery" is mentioned or performed.

(You know you're way down on the organizational depth chart when the team has your Tommy John surgery  . . . performed by Tommy John!)

--Please, somebody . . . let’s return the Olympics to what they originally were—sports competition—and weed out what I regard as activities.  Did they have beach volleyball and ice dancing at the Original Games in 5^th Century BC?

 Every time I tuned in—and that wasn’t very often—it looked like I was watching a rerun of “Dancing with the Stars”!

 The original Games consisted of 43 events covering athletics (track and field), cycling, swimming, gymnastics, weightlifting, wrestling, fencing, shooting and tennis.  Nine sports, that’s all. If they want to have an event featuring all of these showbizzy activities, fine and dandy.  Just don’t call it The Olympics.

(And would gymnastics be as popular if the participants had to wear slacks instead of those sequined, skimpy outfits?  No; the lecher demographic—to name one--would be largely absent.)

--Why do people post signs saying "Garage Sale" when they're selling just about everything but the garage?  Ditto "Yard Sale."  The yard is not for sale!  (But I guess "Family Discards Sale" probably wouldn't net much business.)

--The Sexual Revolution evolves:

--2019 was the start of the "hot girl summer," coined by Megan Thee Stallion in her hit single of the same name. Five years later, we’ve entered the era of a "boysober summer." 

Single women have hopped on a new trend of abstaining from any romantic or sexual relationships with men, including dating and casual hookups. Therapists say the emergence of the boysober movement is indicative of a greater trend of young women taking a step back from sex and relationships and puts a new spin on voluntary celibacy. 

--Ever wonder how some of the “classic” TV shows of the past would have fared if remote controls had been around and there had been more than a hundred channel options? 

 (“ ‘Gilligan’s What’? ‘Leave it to Who’? Never heard of ‘em!)

Speaking of television, I’ve been watching a lot of baseball this summer.  (Otherwise, as you probably know by now, I'm usually reading Homer in the original Greek!)

--Baseball should have a Hall of Moments for guys like John Paciorek.  He played just one game in the major leagues (Houston Colt 45s, 1963), but he went 3 for 3, scored 4 runs, drove in 3 runs and also walked twice.  (Other than that, as the late Chicago broadcaster Jack Brickhouse would have said, “He didn't do a thing!”)

Why just a one-game career?  He had a bad back, but his day--literally--in the sun is the envy of all who never got even that far.  That is, the rest of us.

(And always remember, sports fans:  Chances are, the star of today's game could well be the assistant bullpen coach of tomorrow!)

--Redundancy patrol: "Separate out," "blend together," "Sahara desert."

jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say [actual partygoer-s name here], did you know that Kitti’s Hog-Nosed Bat, which lives only in Southeast Asia, is the smallest living mammal--less than three-centimeters long and under two grams?”  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but chances are you weren’t going to be the life of the party anyway!)

DRUDGING AROUND: AA flight makes emergency landing after passenger exposes self, urinates in aisle . . . Poisons in paradise: How Mexicans target Hawaii with meth, fentanyl . . . AI-powered vending machines selling bullets . . . Middle-schoolers create fake Tiktok accounts impersonating teachers! . . . AI to decode what dog barks mean . . . New Abraham Lincoln documentary suggests ex-president had secret, gay sex life . . . Extreme eater dies during livestream after 10-hour food binge . . . America running out of generic drugmakers . . . Heat waves make mental problems worse . . . Transplant breakthrough as human receives titanium heart for first time . . . Lost dog survived in the woods for two months: “She defied the odds!” . . . Research makes frightening find about women who don’t have sex often . . . Tech’s grip on modern life pushing us down a rabbit hole . . . SHOCK STUDY:  Young-onset dementia far more common than realized . . . Brides having brunch weddings, midweek nuptials and selling tickets to save money . . . EVs may be extinct sooner than you think . . . Antarctic temps soar 50 degrees above normal in long-lasting heatwave . . . Forget snubbing sugar: New tech makes it healthier instead . . . Why are Americans suddenly snubbing McDonald’s and Starbucks?  . . . Taco Bell to roll out AI drive-thru.  (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

--There will never be a James Carville Lookalike Contest.

--"There are many more Italian-American CPAs than hit men, not that I want to watch a cable TV series about accountants."—Author Bill Tonelli to Tom Santopietro, author of "The Godfather Effect," in the Wall Street Journal.

--Work Ethic Shocker:

If you're wondering why America is losing jobs, consider this from a New York Times article about why Apple does so much of its manufacturing in China:

1.   "Apple redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near midnight. 

2.    "A foreman immediately roused 8,000 workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled frames.

3.   "Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. "There’s no American plant that can match that." 

Exactly.  America has become the land OF "DEBBIE HAS TO GO ON HER BREAK NOW" (after putting in a grueling two hours at the checkout counter).  China is the land of people working 12-hour shifts at a moment's notice.  (Two ends of a ludicrous extreme, methinks.)

--"99.99 percent of all castles in America are located in fish tanks."--Demetri Martin

--More Demetri: “I used to play sports.  Then I realized that you can actually buy trophies.  Now I’m good at everything.”

--I love it when foodies and restaurant critics call an establishment "a destination restaurant."  As opposed to--what?--the company lunchroom?  A place you were taken to at gunpoint?  A place you know is lousy but go to anyway because it's nearby?

--I'll believe in Ride-Sharing Programs when the governor’s or the president's limos start participating.

--When did everybody start saying, "Having said that . . ." or "That being said . . . "?  Those are what are known as "verbal tics." (Does Raid make a Verbal Tic Spray? Some people  would go through several cans a day!)

--Attention Wisconsin hunters: Sept. 18 marks the start of Ruffed Grouse hunting season in Zone A (wherever that is).  (Ruffed, not ruffled!)  According to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, the ruffed grouse population appears to be on the downward side of its 10-year cycle.  (I wish I could say I saw that coming, but I'd be lying. I can’t stay on top of everything!)

Today's Latin lesson: Ut res orator. ("That being said . . .")

And lastly:

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THIS TIRED RHETORICAL DEVICE! 

"That sound you heard? That was a nation exhaling . . . . "--New York Post

  "That sound you heard around the Chicago area late Sunday was probably people . . . ." --Chicago Tribune 

"That thud you heard Thursday night was the rating for Game 1 of the NBA Finals hitting bottom, at least locally.”-- Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

"That sound you heard was a few thousand reporters - - - -ting bricks . . . ."--Village Voice

"That sound you heard off in the distance Sunday night was the Cardinals blowing another late lead.”—St. Louis Post-Dispatch

“That sound you just heard was Balloon Boy's dad smacking his head and saying, ‘Why didn't I think of this?!’ "--Chicago Sun-Times

“That noise you hear is a drum roll emanating from New York . . . .”--Chicago Tribune

 "That sound you heard over the weekend was the Lions’ alarm clock going off in Corpus Christi . . . .  "--Hammond (La.) Star

"That sound you heard was the Suns sucking against the Boston Celtics . . . ."--Phoenix New Times

"That sound you heard was the lovely yet formidable Marcia rolling her eyes . . . ."--Flint (Mich.) Journal

"That sound you heard falling and crashing Friday night at Columbus State was the sound of  . . . ."--Albany (Ga.) Herald

"That sound you heard is the Dolphins fans' collective testicles retracting into their bodies . . . ."--Miami New Times

"That sound you heard last Monday morning was . . . ."--Boston SportsMedia.com

(DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING?  NEITHER DID I! BUT CHANCES ARE YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS PIECE OF HACKNEYED VERBIAGE FOR THE LAST TIME.  A HERD MENTALITY IN THE MEDIA?  NAHHHH.)