POPCORN

                                                         BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 

and whimsical observations about

 the absurdities of contemporary life

*************************************************************************

--I was the first teenage member of the Hair Club for Men.

--Headline: “Anxiety dogs must be allowed in classrooms, parents say.”

jimjustsaying’s comment: This is not going to help alleviate the alarmingly massive teacher shortage.  Just a hunch.

jimjustsaying’s jocular offering on the subject: “The dog ate my homework . . . but he brought it with him!”

--When you boil it all down, we're all dependent on Mom and Dad--Mother Nature and Father Time.

--Memo to all politicians: Enough already with the stentorian, officious, stilted speechifying, the carnival barker-like proclamations and the pretentious hand-and -arm waving!  We’re interested in information, not oratory, so please talk in a normal tone of voice.  Easier on you, easier on us. 

(If past is prologue, I’ll soon have a case of debate fatigue. Enough! Given a choice between viewing a debate or having a root canal, most guys are going to the dentist.  At least there you’ve got the Novocain.  And you can catch the lowlights in the after-debate chatfests!)

Irritant: They don't debate the issues so much as trade insults or sling allegations of past misbehavior at each other in addition to launching into rote recitations of pet talking points. And any candidate who promises to crack down on the widespread abuse of "handicapped parking spaces" has my vote!)

--In our PC-driven world--in which you're not manic-depressive anymore, you're bipolar, and lately, you're not hungry, you're food-deprived--it's time to expand the euphemistic nomenclature:

Serial killers?  Crude, outmoded! Let's call them, um, "prolific demise facilitators."  

So-and-so is a hitman? Downright insulting! Why, he's an "eternal reward concierge"!

Scam artists?  No, they’re "Machiavellian marketplace opportunists."  Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Headline of the Month (via NY Post): “Boozed-up karate master beats up haunted house worker dressed as a ghost.”  This happened in Japan. 

(jimjustsaying’s question: Did he bow before or after the beating?)

--Ever notice that people will agree to do just about anything for you--as long as it’s far enough in the future?

Me: "Hey, Ralph:  How about helping me paint the garage on Saturday?" 

Ralph: "Um, gee, Jim--I think we've got something planned." 

Me:  "Okay, then how about the following Saturday?"

Ralph: "Gee, Jim, I dunno.  I'd better check with the wife."

Me: "OK, how about Oct. 21, 2037?"

Ralph: "Sure, Jim, no problem . . . what time?”

--I knew a couple of “theater majors” in college.  They went on to play the recurring role of 9-5 workers in the menswear department of Sears and Roebuck!  

--Redundancy patrol:  "Free giveaway."  I think there's only one kind of "giveaway" . . . and there's no payment involved.  If it isn't free, it's NOT a giveaway.

--He said it: “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.”--Leo Tolstoy

--She said it: “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”--Mignon McLaughlin, writer

--I'm going to start a new magazine called GeeQ--Geezer Quarterly.  Don't miss the inaugural Black Socks with Sandals Issue.

--I've found a strange omission in all of Donald Trump's books:  No Chapter 11!

--Which Jackie Gleason character does Donald Trump most resemble?

(a) Ralph Kramden

(b) Reggie Van Gleason

(c) Charlie the Loudmouth 

(d) All of the above!

Trump once bragged about how he "screwed" Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi in a real estate deal. 

jimjustsaying’s commentary: That means the guy with the world's worst hair outfoxed the guy with the world's worst hat!

--People who think they’re being chic, clever or high-toned by calling Target “Tarzhay” should be smacked with Donald Trump’s diaper bag!  

--“The owner of the fence drove it back onto the road and removed the keys.”--New York Herald Tribune, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.

--jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: --“Gyroped.”  n. A child who cannot resist spinning around on a diner stool.”–“More Sniglets,” Rich Hall and Friends.

DRUDGING AROUND:  The war for laughs: Streaming services battle for standup comics . . . Google robot beats humans at ping-pong . . . Older adults do not benefit from moderate drinking . . . Brazil nude beaches have problem: Not enough nudists . . . Not just for kids anymore; adults turn to lemonade stands as side hustle . . . People using ChatGPT to dump partners . . . New loneliness cure:  Apps that match with strangers for meals . . “Gay animals more common than you would think” (BBC story) . . . How gay beach oasis flourished in Michigan’s Bible Belt . . . Why scientists are trying to re-engineer the cow’s stomach . . . Your zip code may determine dementia diagnosis, study finds . . . Cops: Doctor doused former office with gallon of urine . . . Memphis murder suspect captured after falling through ceiling. (As always, thanks to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for this month’s strange but true links.)

--Fun facts of the Month: Edward Kean, head writer for "The Howdy Doody Show," wrote the show's theme song ("It's Howdy Doody Time"), created such characters as Clarabell the Clown and Prof. Phineas T. Bluster and coined the word "cowabunga."  (Talk about your contributions to society!)

(With all due respect, Mr. Kean had degrees from Columbia and Cornell Universities, became a stockbroker after leaving his "Doody" duties and also played "beautiful piano and played in hotels and restaurants," his wife said.)

--This statue of baseball players thing is getting out of hand.  One could well debate whether ANY baseball player deserves one. Is there a statue anywhere of Dr. Jonas Salk, inventor of the polio vaccine? 

The St. Louis Cardinals, by the way, lead the statue standings with no fewer than 11 honorees! That's a lot of bronze, brother!  On the other hand, the Angels have only one statue-ee . . . and he's not even a player.  That would be former team owner Gene Autry!  (Go ahead, slap forehead here!)

--A lot of major-league baseball players stay in the game in some capacity after their playing days:  Minor-league coaches or managers, scouts, broadcasters, etc.

And then there is a former relief pitcher of fair repute, Brad Lidge (Astros, Phillies, Nationals), who is a practicing archaeologist in the Italian village of Murlo after getting his master’s degree in ancient Roman archaeology. He is now seeking his Ph.D. 

--Book Title of the Week:  "Arrested: What To Do When Your Loved One is in Jail."

--It's 90 degrees and feels like it. It's 25 degrees cooler--at least--in the fast-food place. Yet invariably there's some idiot eating in his vehicle, most likely a pickup truck--usually with the engine running, burning precious fuel and polluting the air so unnecessarily.  Maybe we need an EPA police force to ticket these people--and get those trucks and cars you see spewing billows of noxious blue smoke off the road.

--"There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the streets?"--Dick Cavett

--When Aaron Rodgers finally retires, will ESPN go off the air?

--Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., has had more wacky (and apparently true) new stories about him than any former Kennedy clan members had mistresses.  

--TV channel whose popularity escapes me: The Food Network.  Watching other people “cook” and chop vegetables is not my idea of an enjoyable pastime.  Plus, I’ve got enough untried recipes squirreled away already to last me 35 lifetimes.  I don’t need to know how to make more stuff.  (Call me a rube, but white truffle oil will never appear on any of my shopping lists.)

--“I got a pitch in the mail for prepaid cremation.  It said if you die in a fire, you get half your money back.”—Andy Huggins

More Huggins: “I went to the doctor because I thought I had arthritis.  He said I don’t; I just have early-onset rigor mortis.”

--Product that doesn't exist but should:  Andy Warhol Soup.

--“You might be a redneck if you refer to the 5th Grade as ‘my senior year.’ ”--Jeff Foxworthy

TODAY’S LATIN LESSON:  Duplex inimici et indeterminata verisimiliter iudicabunt quis proximus praeses noster erit. (“The double-haters and the undecideds will probably decide who our next president will be.”)

Thanks to Abby Rhodes, this month’s Popcorn intern.