BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric
and whimsical observations about
the absurdities of contemporary life
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--I was a teenage Chippendale
dancer.
---What if they found out
that an endangered animal was eating all the endangered plants?
--August is upon us once
again--the only month without a holiday or special commemorative day of any
sort. (Go ahead, check your calendars.) You won't find anything--no
fringe holidays like President's Day, no "Hallmark holidays" like
Mother's or Father's Days, no religious holidays, not even a Secretary's Day.
That's
why August would be perfect for one of my pet projects--Turnabout Day (as in
“turnabout is fair play”).
What
would happen on Turnabout Day? Simply this: Sometime during the
month—and you could pick your own day--your doctor would have to get naked in
front of you . . . and your accountant and/or broker would have to show you his
or her tax return!
(The
goal here is to correct the power imbalance endemic to those relationships:
They know things about you that you don't know about them, hence the undeniably
universal need for such an observance.)
--Fish
is the only food that smells spoiled even when it isn’t.
--As if energy drinks
weren't enough, now I've spotted (at Walgreens) Rush High-Power Lip Balm.
With "caffeine, taurine and B-12." What, no steroid
deodorant? No atomic nasal spray? No nuclear-powered suppositories?
Stay tuned.
(And now my wife calls my
attention to Skin Renew, "the first 2-in-1 eye roller. Refreshing
eye care with caffeine.")
--Time to redraw some of
the rules . . . or add some The Framers forgot?
Such as age limits for running for president (not addressed) and ending
lifetime appointments to the Supreme Court?
(The former is less of an
issue now that Mr. Biden is stepping aside, but it could be another cause célèbre
sometime in the future.)
--And then there’s voting,
especially presidential elections. Find a person who doesn’t think it would be
better to do it on a Sunday or make it a national holiday. If Martin Luther
King Day and President’s Day are national holidays, why do we have to squeeze
the most important quadrennial event into a workday?
All these practical ideas
. . . that nobody really opposes . . . yet nothing is done. Maddening.
And of course we’ll be phasing out the penny any day now—something that
has been on the drawing board for at least 30 years.
--There’s no such thing as
a “clean bill of health.” Everybody’s got something.
--jimjustsaying’s lament about the migrant issue: Total tab of the futile war with
Afghanistan: $213.3 BILLION.
If the U.S. had spent half of that revamping
Mexico and Central America, people would be trying to get INTO those countries
instead of risking their lives to get out of them and there would be no
border issue, no busloads of migrants causing turmoil for everyone from police
to merchants to ordinary citizens in urban areas. Thanks, political decisionmakers and the
military/industrial complex!
--For baseball fans only:
Tommy John should get a royalty every time "Tommy John surgery" is
mentioned or performed.
(You know you're way
down on the organizational depth chart when the team has your Tommy John
surgery . . . performed by Tommy John!)
--Please, somebody . . .
let’s return the Olympics to what they originally were—sports competition—and
weed out what I regard as activities.
Did they have beach volleyball and ice dancing at the Original Games in
5th Century BC?
Every time I tuned in—and that wasn’t very
often—it looked like I was watching a rerun of “Dancing with the Stars”!
The original Games consisted of 43 events covering athletics (track and field), cycling, swimming, gymnastics, weightlifting, wrestling, fencing, shooting and tennis. Nine sports, that’s all. If they want to have an event featuring all of these showbizzy activities, fine and dandy. Just don’t call it The Olympics.
(And would gymnastics be as popular if the participants had to wear slacks
instead of those sequined, skimpy outfits?
No; the lecher demographic—to name one--would be largely absent.)
--Why do people post signs
saying "Garage Sale" when they're selling just about everything but
the garage? Ditto "Yard Sale." The yard is not for
sale! (But I guess "Family Discards Sale" probably wouldn't net
much business.)
--The Sexual Revolution evolves:
--2019 was the start of the "hot girl summer," coined by Megan Thee
Stallion in her hit single of the same name. Five years later, we’ve entered
the era of a "boysober summer."
Single women have hopped on a new trend of abstaining from any
romantic or sexual relationships with men, including dating and casual hookups.
Therapists say the emergence of the boysober movement is indicative of a
greater trend of young women taking a step back from sex and relationships and
puts a new spin on voluntary celibacy.
--Ever wonder how some of the “classic” TV shows of the past would have fared if remote controls had been around and there had been more than a hundred channel options?
(“ ‘Gilligan’s What’? ‘Leave it to Who’? Never heard of ‘em!)
Speaking of
television, I’ve been watching a lot of baseball this summer. (Otherwise,
as you probably know by now, I'm usually reading Homer in the original Greek!)
--Baseball
should have a Hall of Moments for guys like John Paciorek. He played just
one game in the major leagues (Houston Colt 45s, 1963), but he went 3 for 3,
scored 4 runs, drove in 3 runs and also walked twice. (Other than that,
as the late Chicago broadcaster Jack Brickhouse would have said, “He
didn't do a thing!”)
Why just a one-game career? He had a bad
back, but his day--literally--in the sun is the envy of all who never got even
that far. That is, the rest of us.
(And
always remember, sports fans: Chances are, the star of today's game could
well be the assistant bullpen coach of tomorrow!)
--Redundancy patrol:
"Separate out," "blend together," "Sahara
desert."
jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say
[actual partygoer-s name here], did you know that Kitti’s Hog-Nosed Bat, which
lives only in Southeast Asia, is the smallest living mammal--less than
three-centimeters long and under two grams?” (Kind of hard to work into a
conversation, but chances are you weren’t going to be the life of the party anyway!)
DRUDGING AROUND: AA flight makes emergency landing after passenger
exposes self, urinates in aisle . . . Poisons in paradise: How Mexicans target
Hawaii with meth, fentanyl . . . AI-powered vending machines selling bullets .
. . Middle-schoolers create fake Tiktok accounts impersonating teachers! . . . AI
to decode what dog barks mean . . . New Abraham Lincoln documentary suggests
ex-president had secret, gay sex life . . . Extreme eater dies during
livestream after 10-hour food binge . . . America running out of generic
drugmakers . . . Heat waves make mental problems worse . . . Transplant
breakthrough as human receives titanium heart for first time . . . Lost dog
survived in the woods for two months: “She defied the odds!” . . . Research
makes frightening find about women who don’t have sex often . . . Tech’s grip
on modern life pushing us down a rabbit hole . . . SHOCK STUDY: Young-onset dementia far more common than
realized . . . Brides having brunch weddings, midweek nuptials and selling
tickets to save money . . . EVs may be extinct sooner than you think . . .
Antarctic temps soar 50 degrees above normal in long-lasting heatwave . . .
Forget snubbing sugar: New tech makes it healthier instead . . . Why are
Americans suddenly snubbing McDonald’s and Starbucks? . . . Taco Bell to roll out AI drive-thru. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his
merry band of aggregators.)
--There will never be a James
Carville Lookalike Contest.
--"There are many more Italian-American CPAs than hit men, not that I want to watch a cable TV series about accountants."—Author Bill Tonelli to Tom Santopietro, author of "The Godfather Effect," in the Wall Street Journal.
--Work Ethic Shocker:
If you're wondering why
America is losing jobs, consider this from a New York Times article about why
Apple does so much of its manufacturing in China:
1.
"Apple
redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line
overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near
midnight.
2.
"A foreman immediately roused 8,000
workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each
employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and
within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled
frames.
3. "Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. "There’s no American plant that can match that."
Exactly. America has become the land OF "DEBBIE HAS TO GO ON HER BREAK NOW" (after putting in a grueling two hours at the checkout counter). China is the land of people working 12-hour shifts at a moment's notice. (Two ends of a ludicrous extreme, methinks.)
--"99.99 percent of
all castles in America are located in fish tanks."--Demetri Martin
--More Demetri: “I used to
play sports. Then I realized that you
can actually buy trophies. Now I’m good
at everything.”
--I love it when foodies and
restaurant critics call an establishment "a destination
restaurant." As opposed to--what?--the company lunchroom? A
place you were taken to at gunpoint? A place you know is lousy but go to
anyway because it's nearby?
--I'll believe in Ride-Sharing Programs when the governor’s or the president's limos start
participating.
--When did everybody start
saying, "Having said that . . ." or "That being said . . .
"? Those are what are known as "verbal tics." (Does
Raid make a Verbal Tic Spray? Some people
would go through several cans a day!)
--Attention Wisconsin
hunters: Sept. 18 marks the start of Ruffed Grouse hunting season in Zone A
(wherever that is). (Ruffed, not ruffled!) According to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel,
the ruffed grouse population appears to be on the downward side of its 10-year
cycle. (I wish I could say I saw that coming, but I'd be lying. I
can’t stay on top of everything!)
Today's Latin lesson: Ut res orator. ("That being said .
. .")
And lastly:
ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THIS TIRED RHETORICAL DEVICE!
"That sound you heard? That was a nation exhaling . . . . "--New York Post
"That sound you heard around the Chicago area late Sunday was probably people . . . ." --Chicago Tribune
"That
thud you heard Thursday night was the rating for Game 1 of the NBA Finals
hitting bottom, at least locally.”-- Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
"That sound you heard was a few thousand reporters - - - -ting bricks . .
. ."--Village Voice
"That sound you heard off in the distance Sunday night was the Cardinals
blowing another late lead.”—St. Louis Post-Dispatch
“That sound you just heard was Balloon Boy's dad smacking his head and saying,
‘Why didn't I think of this?!’ "--Chicago Sun-Times
“That noise you hear is a drum roll emanating from New York . . . .”--Chicago
Tribune
"That sound you heard over the weekend was the Lions’ alarm clock
going off in Corpus Christi . . . . "--Hammond (La.) Star
"That sound you heard was the Suns sucking against the Boston Celtics . .
. ."--Phoenix New Times
"That sound you heard was the lovely yet formidable Marcia rolling her
eyes . . . ."--Flint (Mich.) Journal
"That sound you heard falling and crashing Friday night at Columbus State
was the sound of . . . ."--Albany (Ga.) Herald
"That sound you heard is the Dolphins fans' collective testicles
retracting into their bodies . . . ."--Miami New Times
"That sound you heard last Monday morning was . . . ."--Boston
SportsMedia.com
(DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING? NEITHER DID I! BUT CHANCES ARE YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS PIECE OF HACKNEYED VERBIAGE FOR THE LAST TIME. A HERD MENTALITY IN THE MEDIA? NAHHHH.)
